So let’s assume like most people that the man always pays for the first date. Does that automatically mean the woman should pay for the second? Or when is it proper for the woman to pick up the check?
Interesting right? My roommate doesn’t really date because he’s too poor. He said that in a HCOLA women like to do expensive things. And most of the women expect him to pick up the tab even if he makes significantly less. So how can he really keep up with expectations.
I find that an interesting perspective. Plus he doesn’t have a car, so that makes it more interesting. Dates are either by public transit or the woman being expected to chauffeur him around. He said that does make it more likely that a girl he dates isn’t going to be superficial. But is there a level of finances (ie car, shelling out for dinner/movie/play/etc) that a person needs to spend in order to date?
He says there is. There is a certain expectation that you must spend some money to date. A date is not sitting at home cleaning the house all day like my DH and I do on the weekends. Nor is it necessarily grocery shopping. It can be cooking at home or hiking or biking. But who pays for the gas to go hiking/camping? Or who packs the lunches?
An interesting thread on WIR was by a single woman, who said dating was expensive for women too. They dress nicer, get more haircuts/waxings, etc.
Do you think that’s true? That dating is an expense? Honestly I have to say I do.
13 responses so far ↓
1 Sarah // Jul 26, 2009 at 10:16 am
I do think dating requires some minimum amount of money that signals that you can take care of yourself. My boyfriend makes about half what I do – which I’m pretty upfront about asking on a first date to see who should pay – and we try to go half on most everything. Of course, he has a car, which is a MUST, just because I’m looking for a partner whose got their shit together at some level.
2 Tara // Jul 26, 2009 at 10:48 am
Dating definitely costs money…
My policy is that I’ll only let a guy pay for the first date if I liked him enough to go on a second date. Whenever I get to the point where I know that I’m not really in it, I pay for my half. If I really like him and know he doesn’t have more money (or has even less) than I do, then I like to treat at least half the time. Starting with the second time, though. For the first date it doesn’t impress me if he doesn’t offer to pay – if he doesn’t have much money, he can choose a cheap restaurant or just coffee for a first date. It’s not really the amount of money he’s willing to spend, more to show a spirit of generosity.
3 FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com // Jul 26, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Requires a minimum from both parties.
Girls — outfits, makeup.. if that
Guys — the first date bill (could be a coffee shop)
But the second and subsequent dates, I’ve paid for or at least gone Dutch on. Or ended up cooking if I didn’t have the cash.
4 Sasha // Jul 26, 2009 at 1:14 pm
I don’t expect to do expensive things, particularly on first and second dates, and I don’t really expect the guy to pay. But they do, and I feel that it’s better to let them– at least initially. Once you get further into the relationship, I think that splitting bills or a certain amount of give and take over who pays when makes sense.
I arrived at this stance awhile ago, after some guys at work happened to start talking about what they wanted to have happen when dating.
They all agreed that they wanted the woman to reach for her wallet so that it was clear that it wasn’t assumed that they’d pay… but that on the early dates they also absolutely wanted to pay. Some of them even said that if the woman was pushy about sharing the bill, it would count against her in their minds. I think that they wanted to feel that a woman would let them play the role in the relationship that they wanted to play, and bill-paying was part of seeing how she’d be about other things.
As a woman, I always feel awkward about it. Part of me feels like it’s dishonest to reach for my wallet when I know and the guy knows that he’s planning to pay. It’s part of the dance, I know, but I would be more comfortable with being straightforward about things.
5 Stephanie PTY // Jul 26, 2009 at 4:00 pm
What do HCOLA and WIR stand for?
6 fengshui // Jul 27, 2009 at 12:39 am
I disagree….. If I really like a guy, if he has great qualities like being genuine, honest, hardworking, sincere, and I know that he’s struggling or a student, I’ll opt for quiet nites renting movies at home and making dinner at home. I don’t need a man to “wine and dine” me. I’ve been told by my guy friends that I’m rare. I couldn’t imagine being any other way.
Steph- HCOLA (high cost of living area) and WIR (women in red- it is a website)
7 R. May // Jul 27, 2009 at 9:31 am
I think it’s true for many people because they feel it’s true!
I’m not interested in fancy anything. I prefer first dates to be laid back and low key, which actually allows you to get to know someone. Why spend the whole date worrying about impressing someone – eventually who you are is going to creep in so you might as well show it from the start.
If some guy asked me out to a picnic in a park, that would be lovely. If I was asked out to a fancy restaurant on a first date I would say no.
8 LAL // Jul 28, 2009 at 11:21 am
Fengshui and R. May, renting a movie and picnic still costs money!
On the WIR thread, a woman was complaining about even spending $25/month on extra food cooking at home for a date!
So we’re not necessarily talking BIG bucks, but even small bucks on a tiny budget can be a budget breaker. Sure a move is $1, but then throw in $5-10 for the extra food, bottle of wine at home, and I can see how it adds up.
So to some people that extra $25 or $50/month dating is too expensive. I don’t think so but I can understand that dating period costs more than sitting at home, cooking for yourself AND not going out period.
But it is sort of lonely to not ever splurge!
9 R. May // Jul 28, 2009 at 2:19 pm
If you are so broke that $1.00 – $10.00 is going to break you then you probably have no business dating because you have way to many other problems in your life to be emotionally available.
10 LAL // Jul 28, 2009 at 3:43 pm
R.May, I don’t think it’s so bad. But the original poster said she didn’t want to take away $25/month from her “snowball” to date. She said she was almost out of debt in another year and it seemed like a long time.
I somehow think dating when you are on a strict budget is pretty difficult. Living so tightly that you can’t even budget extra for food.
11 Meg // Jul 29, 2009 at 6:12 pm
I agree with R. May – If we’re talking about $25 to $50 a month being a real issue or strain, then you’re right you CAN’T afford to date and shouldn’t try – UNLESS you want to date another similiarly broke / frugal person (like if you’re in grad school and date another grad student who’s scrimping by and shares your life situation).
Being in the same life situation (aka discretionary income bracket) is key for me. I don’t want to date a guy who can’t afford to eat out, and neither do I want to date a guy who expects me to be able to pay for last minute jaunts to Aspen or Cabo every month.
12 Meg from FruWiki // Jul 30, 2009 at 10:42 am
It just sounds to me like he need to find the right type of woman. If he can’t meet a woman’s expectations, then of course she isn’t the right kind of woman for him! But there are plenty of frugal women out there who would LOVE for a guy to be more creative with dates and spend time doing things like checking out free events, going to farmers’ markets, going to the library, even making and flying homemade kites in a local park!
Sounds like he just needs a way to find those women. But going to those places is a good start, and he may have good luck looking into online groups with those interests and even just regular online dating if he’s honest about what he’s looking for and what women can expect from him.
13 LAL // Jul 30, 2009 at 2:45 pm
I think the problem more lies with the fact that some people get obsessed with paying off debt. Every penny, so they can’t part with money other than debt repayment which makes any type of dating hard. Because that is “wasted” money on dating. Even free stuff costs money in driving to the park and hiking. Shopping for a nicer meal at home.
People who are obsessed with debt payoff budget for fun $40/week but instead of using it for fun, send it to debt. And then have no fun.
Leave a Comment