I want shoes. Do I need them? Obviously or else I wouldn’t be asking.

Now if I had a spending problem it might be different. Or I was unemployed and unable to afford it. Then obviously I shouldn’t be spending that $100.

But I’m working. It’s part of the budget, what’s there to really ask? I need X, Y, Z.

I buy $150 sneakers quite often now and I tell my DH I am buying my shoes. He nods and barely listens.

The bills get paid automatically out of the joint account and we use the joint account to buy food, gas, or other household purchases — really, almost everything, even if it’s something specifically for one of us like his razors or my chocolate. We used to go over “the numbers” weekly and verbally budget things a bit, but now we do that every two weeks after each paycheck has cleared as well as the automatic payments. Of course, we still talk about money in the meantime and we check our accounts frequently to make sure things are as we expect them to be.

We have our separate accounts to buy gifts for each other, new clothes, books, etc. and we don’t have to run it by each other before buying stuff using the “fun” money. We both get the same amount automatically deposited every two weeks.

In practice, we still talk about just about every expense. We really don’t have a problem talking about stuff like that. So long as we have the money, my husband doesn’t really mind me buying stuff. He likes me buying new clothes just as much as I do, I think. I’m probably a bit tougher on him than he is on me, but if there’s something he wants I won’t deny him it outright. I’ll ask him things like if he’s shopped around, if he’s sure it’s what he wants, has he tried using X instead, etc. And he seems to appreciate that — and I appreciate it when he does the same with me because it’s good to have someone to help you control your spending. In previous years we encouraged each other’s spending too much, I’m afraid. In fact, lately we’ve both been taking a lot of our fun money back out to put towards debt. We just haven’t been buying a lot of stuff, so it’s better “spent” reducing our debt than just sitting there.

I think the key to “joint budgeting/ saving” is starting it from the get go. My dh and I never shared money, and had no clue what the other was buying/ spending. We had separate savings accounts as well. I think that some of that was that we never shared money while we dated because we didn’t live together for long prior to marriage. And, we married “older” (we were 30). So, we were already “set in our ways” when we got married and didn’t want to change. It has been difficult, and a source of many fights for us.

Once you’ve established bad habits such as spending beyond your means, carrying credit card balances, not saving, not sharing money, it is really hard to “undo” all of those things. So, how do you start? I don’t know. I do know that it isn’t easy. I don’t want to have to “ask” to buy something, I do know that much. For example, if I wanted a pair of shoes or a purse, or something like that, and it is >$100, I don’t want to have to “ask” my dh because he is going to say that is a “ridiculous” purchase and it would start a fight. I’m sort of throwing that example out as devil’s advocate….

We would never track “his and hers” money; that seems absurd to me, but I have a friend who has done that for her entire marriage – you should have heard them quibbling over who would pay for gas when they were newlyweds. I I always thought that was inane- but I think now their finances are one of those classic examples of what’s hers is hers but what’s his is both his and hers. (yuck)