Slate had an article talking about how the recession is wrecking friendships. The articles gives a few different examples of how the economy is affecting people and their relationships. The article suggests that the sudden changes in people’s circumstances are making it difficult to navigate friendships.
The first example was a woman who just bought a house and has life going pretty well, is finding it difficult to talk to her friend who just lost her job. I have to say I understand. It’s not easy. You can’t say life is going great, I have a fantastic job, just got a bonus/raise; when someone else just got their pink slip. I’ve been listening to this from quite a few friends who have been laid off. My only answer has been to just listen. Not to talk, but listen. I’m not sure if that’s the right answer. I certainly don’t avoid them, but I also don’t tell them life is great. I definitely feel a bit uncomfortable saying that.
The second example was a woman called Anna, who used to be very generous and help out friends. Now that she’s falling on harder times, her friends call her selfish. I don’t understand her friends. They must not be real friends if they can’t understand she’s struggling along with everyone else. Where is their compassion and understanding?
The last example is the severing of accidental friendships. Losing connections with people who you used to work with. This I think isn’t necessarily painful, but it can be detrimental to finding another job. This is something that we should all focus on because these types of friendships are actually networking opportunities. It’s worth trying harder to keep up.
But unlike the article, I don’t think money is necessary to have a meaningful friendship. You don’t need to pay for a glass of wine out. Nor do you need to go out to fancy meals. I think money isn’t the reason these friendships are lost. Rather it’s not putting the effort to maintain the friendship and listen. To share with your friend the ups and downs of the situation rather than just the good times.
Friendships are like marriage, it’s not about being perfect all the time. Rather it’s being able to work out the problems.
10 responses so far ↓
1 R. May // Jun 24, 2009 at 11:15 am
I’m thinking these weren’t much of friendships to begin with.
Thank goodness I don’t have friends like that! We’ve all had our ups and downs, some are better situated then other but we all support each other period. Even when we don’t agree with what someone is doing.
2 Meg from FruWiki // Jun 24, 2009 at 11:58 am
I agree with R. May!
Unfortunately, fair weather friends aren’t anything new. I’ve had some myself — friends who were my “BFFs” when I could be generous, but that wouldn’t even come to visit when things got bad and I really needed friends who’d just come and sit with me without expecting anything but my company and appreciation.
The worst part about fair weather friends is that they often say the worst things about those they’re unfriending as if to clear their consciences and reputation. It’s not that they are awful friends — no, of course not. It’s the other person who has “changed”. They’ll even go so far as to accuse sick people of “faking” to get out of visiting them. And how sad that people believe them. And what’s more, the now ex-friends may, too, because what else do you believe when people you respected and loved as your best friends suddenly desert you in your time of need?
3 Meg from FruWiki // Jun 24, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Now that I think about it, I think you learn a lot about who your true friends are even when you just turn more frugal. My husband and I are actually doing better now than we have in years, despite the fact that the hole is still very deep. But we’ve had to make a lot of cuts to turn things around. We can’t throw gifts and dinners around at “friends”. Even splitting the check, we can’t even go out to eat as much as many of them do (though, they probably shouldn’t any more than we should have).
So, of course, our “friend” pool has greatly diminished it seems. And one “friend” (now firmly ex-friend it seems) went so far as to accuse us of “acting poor” — despite the fact that her finances are really in a lot worse trouble than ours because she spends her money on Starbucks and eating out instead of building an emergency fund or paying down her debt.
We DO need better friends. But how do you find them? We’ve been burned so many times! And we’re tired of expending so much energy and even money on these vampires.
4 Meg // Jun 24, 2009 at 12:17 pm
I do think a lot of friendships are based largely on a shared lifestyle – which pretty much comes down to financial resources. Most of my current friendships were formed because we live near each other or work together or are part of the same rganization. All that is based in money to some degree.
Sure there are a few people I’m friends with no matter what – childhood and college pals. But all but the deepest friendships do change or dissolve when one person makes a major lifestyle change – whether it’s getting married or having kids or winning the lottery or losing their job and no longer being able to afford to socialize the way their group does.
I wouldn’t say money alone wrecks friendships, but it does affect them in a big way.
5 Revanche // Jun 24, 2009 at 7:03 pm
I’m echoing the thoughts of previous commenters, how could they have been real friends? No matter how badly my day is going, I still want good news for my friends. I’m about to be unemployed and am super happy that another friend finally landed a good job in a decent location. Good news from friends means I don’t have to worry about them too, not that I should be annoyed or envious.
Perhaps we can’t hang out exactly like we once did, but that kind of thing is bound to change over time no matter what. What matters is caring about them and keeping the relationship intact. Maybe that’s naive, but strong friendships shouldn’t require matching money to survive.
6 LAL // Jun 24, 2009 at 10:40 pm
Meg, I have no idea how to find new friends. Maybe you just take a risk and go for it.
I also agree with Meg, part of it does have to do with what you spend and make. How else do you find people with common interests? If you never travel will you be friends with the couple/family who invites you on a trip?
7 Thinkingaboutit // Jun 27, 2009 at 2:20 pm
I made a new friend of someone who had been laid off two months previously from a not very well paid position to start with. She was handling her savings very responsibly and was just in need of a LOT of psychological support. After a while though, I felt like she was testing me to see if I would be the most incredibly loyal friend ever. I mean she was doing things that were abusive of my time and effort. I felt like she was wanting to prove to herself that the whole world was against her. So I hung in there for about a year and just tried to back her up, thinking she needed the support and that she would eventually get out from under her dark cloud. Finally though the camel’s back was broken and I told her she’d been too rude and abusive of my friendship, so we would not be friends any more. I think with all her extra time due to not working, she had a lot more time to express her abusiveness of friendship…Every few weeks she still tries to reach out to me, but she really burned that bridge. It had nothing to do with spending or not.
8 LAL // Jun 27, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Interesting point thingaboutit. I hadn’t considered that people might try testing the friendship.
9 Meg from FruWiki // Jun 27, 2009 at 7:12 pm
@Thingaboutit,
Friendship definitely goes both ways! And it sounds like you did more than your fair share! Not having the money to go out is one thing. Not having the decency to be thoughtful about others’ feelings is another — especially when they are trying to help you.
Of course we can’t expect people to be absolute saints when they feel their world is crashing down, but that doesn’t mean that they are entitled to be outright abusive about it! The occasional slip-up or bad temper can be forgiven, especially when the person is apologetic and sincerely regretful, but I see no point in sticking by people who clearly aren’t interested in a friendship based on mutual respect and compassion.
Unfortunately, some people really do self-sabotage and drive away even the best, most loyal friends. I’ve certainly met a few people like that. Their loss.
10 LAL // Jun 28, 2009 at 11:50 am
It’s not easy when you’re out of a job, worried about money to be in a good mood. But that shouldn’t allow people to take it out on other poeple.
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