Grace from GracefulRetirement talked about Not-So Financially Responsible Grown-up Kids. She references an Ask Amy post about the topic of parents helping out adult children. Two parents wrote it asking Amy, if it were unreasonable to ask their adult children to split the dinner meal out. These children were more financially secure than the parents, and often spent money traveling or eating out. Their friends found them unreasonable in expecting their children to pay. Other people have said “Parents always pay.”
Amy’s answer: When you start doing well, a privilege of your success is your ability to begin picking up the tab. She says there is a point where the children should want to acknowledge their parents work and sacrifice; as well as their success. She says just tell your kids you can’t go afford to treat them to a meal out.
Grace says that she is in the position of being more successful than her children, and often finds herself helping them out. Not on a large scale, she estimates $600/month, which is a lot, but that people without adult children or children in general wouldn’t understand. But she says she prioritizes it and she wonders what happens when she can’t afford it?
My thoughts? I think it’s nice to treat your parents are you become financially able to. I think it’s also very nice if you have a generous family to gift you with cash or presents. The problem really only arises if there are “expectations” of money or gifts. I have a lot of “well off” friends.
Those who irritate me are the ones who “expect” their parents to shell out $30k for their wedding. And then expect a down payment for their house. Or expect a huge inheritances. Those who are surprised or very gracious about these gifts are lot more tolerable. I believe that people with expectations will eventually run into trouble if they aren’t bailed out by the parents. If they fall on hard times or get caught in an unexpected situation, they won’t know how to deal with it. So sometimes the generous behavior of family can be more of a hindrance than a help.
However, what about parents who expect their children to pay for them when the children are not financially able to as of yet? Or children who support their parents? Is that unfair as well? The expectations of parents to be supported and cared for by their children?
To wrap up, my mom often tells me how thrilled she is none of the 4 kids are asking them for money. None of us got help for a home down payment, student loans, car loans, etc. I didn’t get help for my wedding, but my mom and dad “gifted” us with the same amount they had given the other 3 kids for their wedding. She says all the time she hears about parents complaining about having to give their children $50k or $100k for a home or wedding or car. And how they can’t retire because they have to keep supporting their children. Thus she realizes if she were supporting any of us, she’d probably still be working instead of retired at 55.
11 responses so far ↓
1 amy // Jun 23, 2009 at 10:18 pm
My parents supported me through high school. It sure would have been nice if they’d given a thought to college somewhere along the line but they didn’t. That said, to be supported by your parents post-college as a legal adult just seems embarrassing to me.
I do know some couples who had children they couldn’t afford and the grandparents pony up for private preschool and put away money for the grandkids college and stuff like that; it still seems infantilizing, but then again the grandkids can’t really control their parent’s financial ineptitude, but someday they will hopefully benefit from their grandparents’ generosity. I do think the grandparents, in this situation, are contributing money in a productive way—on the kids education and not a blank check for the parents to blow on stupid shit.
2 SP // Jun 23, 2009 at 11:35 pm
I’m with you. When they act entitled and as though they deserve it for some reason, it annoys me. But if they are grateful and gracious, I accept it as part of life. [This includes paying for college, especially beyond a B.S. degree. So many people act like parents are "supposed" to cover that. Not true. It is wonderful when they do though.]
My parents are contributing 5k to my wedding, and I’m grateful. Honestly, it feels a little weird to have them be giving me money for things at this point in my life.
That’s the last I expect to see from them, and eventually, it may go the other way.
3 Kristy // Jun 24, 2009 at 7:32 am
We often split meals with our parents when eating out or sometimes we even pay for the whole thing. We definitely don’t expect our parents to pay everytime we eat out with them.
4 Lynn // Jun 24, 2009 at 10:25 am
Personally I think parents helping their children by paying for college and weddings is not the same as paying for not-so-financially responsible adult children. I was blessed to have parents that paid for my 100K college and 10K wedding (we did everything we could ourselves and kept the costs down as much as possible). They also loaned me money for 10% of a down payment for a condo (I saved up 10%) that I paid back. I know if I was ever having financial problems they would lend (not give) me money.
My SIL on the other hand is a financially irresponsible adult and gets helped out by my in-laws and it frustrates my husband and I to no end. We even paid for her to take Financial Peace University this past winter/spring and we now see it has done nothing. My in-laws are visiting for the week and everytime they are here we realize just how much they help her. They wire her money all the time and even are paying for her and daughter to stay a few days at the beach this weekend. She sends her kids to private school and they do expensive extra curricular activities. She doesn’t have money to pay the electric and water and gets bailed out by her parents all the time. She is very manipulative and uses her children to get money for herself. My husband has tried to talk to his mom but they just don’t see it as being a problem. Its so frustrating….
5 Meg from FruWiki // Jun 24, 2009 at 11:03 am
I’d at the very least split meals with my mom — if I could. She insists on paying, even though she’s on a limited income. I still try sometimes, but it’s an argument I can’t win. If it wasn’t for that, though, I certainly wouldn’t expect my mom to pay!
I’ve known someone who’s parents paid her way through college — no matter how poorly she did or how long she drew it out. In fact, she is STILL in college in her mid-20s despite having nothing to do but go to college. Even so, she may be dropping out because she doesn’t want to learn how to drive even though she needs to in order to take any more classes and she moved to a place that is too far to bus in from. But that’s just one more of a list of things she’s done to sabotage herself.
And her parents call the money spent on her their “retirement fund” because she is supposed to take care of them when they’re older. I wish the best to her, especially for their sakes, but they’re not wealthy and the money is going to run out eventually. Then what?
6 R. May // Jun 24, 2009 at 11:17 am
The thing is though – that the parents raised them that way! When you’ve been kow-towing to your child for 20 years what the heck makes you think their going to stop demanding when their adults?
The parents may complain their expected to dish out such and such – but they turn around and do it, don’t they?
7 Lynn // Jun 24, 2009 at 11:17 am
Oh I forgot to respond about the meal thing. If my husband or I suggest to go out and pick the place we pay. If my parents/in-laws suggest it and pick the place they pay. It only makes it fair so that pick somewhere they can afford if they want to go out. I would never suggest going to Ruth’s Chris for example and then expect them to pay even if they can afford it.
8 fengshui // Jun 24, 2009 at 1:16 pm
I’m still continually surprised when I hear of children “expecting” a down payment for a home as a gift. With the economy in the shape it is in, and people’s retirment taking the hits that they are, I’m surprised that people can afford to do this. I live in the midwest, and don’t have many weathy freinds, and getting a downpayment for a house is almost unheard of. I feel gratelful that our parents split the cost of our wedding reception. My dh and I had to pay for everything else (photographer, dj, flowers, extras) and our parents each gave us $500 as a gift. Thats it. No down payment, no honeymoon. And my dh’s parents are millionairs. People just seem to be more frugal these days.
9 fengshui // Jun 24, 2009 at 1:20 pm
“She sends her kids to private school and they do expensive extra curricular activities. She doesn’t have money to pay the electric and water and gets bailed out by her parents all the time. ”
This attitude will be the demise of this country…. geesh.
10 Lynn // Jun 24, 2009 at 1:37 pm
“This attitude will be the demise of this country…. geesh.”
Or maybe the demise of my in-laws finances….
The worst part about it is that she doesn’t see it at all. She looks at it as if its the best for her children and she will do anything for them even it includes manipulating her parents. She actually would manipulate my husband for money and I put a stop to it before we got married. In fact she manipulated me for money last Christmas. She promised me she was going to pay me back and when I deposited her check and it bounced her parents paid me back. NEVER AGAIN!!!!!
11 LAL // Jun 24, 2009 at 10:56 pm
I don’t have an answer. I think it’s different to see someone not expecting such generosity from family yet getting it! And someone expecting to have a hand out for everything. There is a huge difference.
And I gotta agree with R.May. That spoiling your kids and then suddenly expecting the to change isn’t going to happen. Giving them everything and then suddenly cutting them off? How does that work?
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