On the saving advice message board someone asked, do people think you are cheap or frugal because of how you live? Do people judge your lifestyle?
I definitely know that people wonder about my DH and I income and spending habits. We don’t shop, we don’t seem to eat out tons, and our big indulgences are traveling and entertainment. But we drive cars that most people would consider beater cars. We live in a nice townhouse, but a townhouse instead of a home. We have most of the same used furniture that we had 5 years ago when we were used graduate students. We haven’t “upgraded” our lifestyle in many materially noticeable ways.
But does it matter? Why should it matter if others think we’re cheapskates? Or frugal? Is it wrong? How is our lifestyle impacting theirs? To me, what’s matters is deciding the best way to spend our money and maximize our happiness.
As irritated as I get by people saying “Why don’t you buy a new car, luxury travel, eat out everyday, etc;” I am more irritated by people judging others as unable to afford it. I’m sure that there have been moments where people have judged my DH and I and wondered how did they afford 3 weeks in Japan and 3 weeks in China? How did they afford Switzerland and Germany?
Don’t get me wrong, I too get bit by the jealousy bug occasionally. But I know that I have a great life and remind myself that I have a lot. On DogAteMyFinances, people we saying that she shouldn’t be jealous of her friend’s million dollar home. They were in debt and living large. Here’s a reality check. Maybe her friends can afford it. I know more than a few of our friends have Lexus, BMW, and Benz can afford them. They had $30k weddings their parents paid for. They had their house DP from their parents. They TOLD us so. Not bragging more like “my parents paid for the wedding and his parents paid for the house DP.”
So there are MANY people who may not admit it but they CAN afford lifestyle that someone earning the same can’t. They aren’t necessarily going to tell you. But we all have to stop judging. We don’t know the WHOLE backstory. Or what the real truth is.
I think the most important thing is being satisfied with yourself and knowing that whatever you do or don’t spend your money on is important to YOU!
8 responses so far ↓
1 R. May // Jun 11, 2009 at 9:34 am
EH – it’s human nature to judge. I have to admit I wonder about the people that live across from me. They drive older cars, own their house, but don’t seem to buy anything or go anywhere ever!
I got a chuckle when they had a cookout a few weekends ago – someone pulled in with a grill. Yup they don’t own a grill. They do however own a dune buggy which they occasionally drive around their postage stamp yard – they can’t take it anywhere because they don’t go anywhere and they have no way to transport it.
I don’t judge them so much as wonder about them.
2 JoeP // Jun 11, 2009 at 9:58 am
Who cares what people think? What, am I going to go out and buy a new car because someone made a comment about the car I drive? Then I’ll be able to pull into their driveway, honk the horn, and feel better about myself!
I could care less about what people drive, or wear, or buy, or where they travel.
3 meinmillions // Jun 11, 2009 at 10:12 am
Amen! You never know what’s going on in people’s financial lives unless they tell you. The book “The Millionaire Next Door” is a great example of that!
4 Lynn // Jun 11, 2009 at 12:31 pm
I agree with JoeP…. Its none of anyone’s business. If someone looks at me and envy’s anything of mine, I would gladly give them my husbands 30K in student loans, 400K mortgage and 25K in the home equity loan. I just found out last weekend that my neighbor has paid off her house. We live in a community and have the same exact house. Now that is something to be jealous of. Of course I have to put it into perspective that she bought the house 20 years ago too… my time will come.
As far as Dog is concerned, she should be more concerned about the fact she has no job and can’t buy a house at this time because she has no real income instead of pining over her friends million/multi-million dollar home. Yes, maybe THEY can afford it but she certainly can’t.
5 amy // Jun 11, 2009 at 3:14 pm
I am enjoying people’s take on Dog’s house envy. She does come across as a social climber, something that seems to bring out a lot of judgment in others. The comment on new money introduced class issues as well—does having a certain amount of money say something about you? What? Do you care? Why? Could what you choose to do with it say another? What? Do you care? Why?
DH and I live way below our means and like you, spend our money on travel and recreation. Our cars, condo, and furniture and are unremarkable. I’d say there is nothing about our lives from the outside that would impress anyone, and we just can’t seem to care. We are quite happy with out decisions and I think that comes across to those we meet and spend time with—and I just haven’t gotten the feeling anyone else cares either…
I’m trying to think how I’d react if someone actually make a snide comment about our small condo, or our Subaru Impreza; I think I’d just be embarrassed for them.
6 Meg from FruWiki // Jun 11, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Oh yes, I’ve heard my fair of share judgment and then some — about myself and others.
Most of the time, I think what people are saying between the lines is “Why are they spending their money on THAT?!” or “Why are they NOT spending their money on THIS?!” And “that” is stuff they don’t find important and “this” is stuff they do. And either could be things from paper towels to Starbucks to sports cars — what’s important to one person’s happiness or comfort is often dismissed as a waste of money by another.
And of course, not everyone can afford to buy what they want — or even all that they need. But most people have enough spare cash to buy some things that aren’t necessities and that are therefore open to scrutiny.
Realizing this, I try to not be judgmental, even if I don’t understand why some people spend hundreds of dollars on wine or $15 a month on WoW. Meanwhile, there are those that can’t believe that I am perfectly happy without cable (or even a television) but spend extra for treats like fine cheeses, organic fruits, and fair trade chocolate.
7 LAL // Jun 12, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Maybe readers here are less judgemental. Certainly those for Dog, immediately told her that it was selfish to want to be rich and her friends were up to their eyeballs in debt. Rather than acknowledging it’s possible they are rich period.
Although wealth is in the eye of the beholder.
8 Meg from FruWiki // Jun 12, 2009 at 6:26 pm
I admit, sometimes I tell myself that so-and-so who lives in such-and-such big house with so many cars probably is in debt up to their eyeballs because it makes me feel a bit better. However, I don’t think I take myself so serious — and I certainly wouldn’t hold it against a person either way. And I do think those thoughts a lot less now that I’m not all that envious of those people because, though I wouldn’t mind having money and even being rich, I wouldn’t want all that stuff to worry about and take care of.
Personally, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being rich. It’s what you do with the money that matters — and also how you got it. And there are plenty of people who do have high enough incomes to afford luxury items, even if I suspect that there are plenty more that have those things but can’t truly *afford* them. Any by afford, I don’t mean “make the payments on”, I mean pay cash for and still have a proper emergency fund, retirement fund, insurance, etc.
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