My best friend is with a guy who doesn’t like to work. Yes it’s wrong on so many levels, but she loves him. Don’t bother trying to comprehend, it’s beyong comprehension. She’s a smart girl, except when it comes to men. She’s always loved losers and admits it.
But here’s the question I posed her, sure it’s fine to have fun with these guys, but as you get serious with these types of men, how do you protect yourself financially? Can you ever protect yourself financially?
It starts out by paying for everything. I’m very liberal and very independent. I think on the first date a couple should go dutch. I also believe that women should pay for about 50% of the dates. So I don’t believe a guy has to be loaded or spend a bundle to show me a good time.
But what happens when a woman starts to pay for everything? Perhaps this is wrong, but I think in any relationship if only ONE person pays (either sex), then it’s not about the money but about being taken advantaged of. She justified that he pays occasionally.
But another bell went off, when she complained that he had never given her a gift. Instead he’s given her IOUs for dinner out for V-day, Christmas, her birthday, etc. So the is promising a future gift. So perhaps he’s broke because he doesn’t have a job.
But how do you know someone isn’t being cheap and a user versus being generous but unable to contribute financially to a relationship? What if the person is in debt and tries to not pay for any dating activities? Do you view that as admirable and pay their way?
Should you, whether male or female, be watching your financial pocketbook as you date? Is there a limit? Can you tell or do you have to shell out some $$$ to figure it out? What are some classic signs people should notice when dating?
I think with the equality between men and women that in today’s day and age it can work both ways. Not only women can be considered “gold diggers” but men too!
10 responses so far ↓
1 Jake Stichler // May 16, 2009 at 5:23 pm
I was the guy in that relationship before. Not completely voluntarily, I couldn’t find a job that worked with my class schedule (though in hindsight I probably didn’t try hard enough). Trust me, it ain’t fun. We were together for 3 years, I asked her to marry me, she said yes, then a week later she left (and rightfully so) because she didn’t want to be supporting me financially forever.
2 Ms. MoneyChat // May 16, 2009 at 6:25 pm
a grown man who doesn’t like to work is quite disgusting to me. i don’t get it, never have and never will. it’s like you said, it’s beyond comprehension. ridiculous. no, it won’t take that long to figure out. if he’s in debt and can’t afford to pay for anything, then we’ll definitely limit the amount of paid activities … we’ll do more free stuff, parks, etc. however, at my age, i just don’t have much tolerance for such a strapped financial situation. it’s my preference, i don’t judge anyone else who feels differently. it’s just something i will not put up with, not at this point in my life. however, the post didn’t really start out talking about someone who is in a situation that they’re working to better, the post was started out talking about a guy who doesn’t like to work. again, disgusting.
3 Sense // May 17, 2009 at 1:32 am
The guy has to be able to support himself as well as i do–that’s my rule. Hey–not many people love to trade their time working 40+ hours a week to support themselves, BUT WE DO IT.
Unless there’s a disability or other good reason not to work at play, there’s no excuse for not trying to get a job. I would hate for someone to have to work to support me–therefore, he had better hate that too. I could never be a housewife!
In my r-ships, I make sure that it’s roughly equal–I don’t have a spreadsheet or anything, but I keep a note in my head that he paid for our last meal out, so it’s my turn next. When things go sour, I always know it because I start to get stingy about paying for stuff for him–the r-ship isn’t worthwhile for my investment.
4 dogatemyfinances // May 17, 2009 at 3:07 pm
I have a friend who dates these guys too. She’s not an idiot. She knows they are losers. But she doesn’t think she deserves any better, and I think they make her feel more accomplished in some weird way.
5 Abigail // May 17, 2009 at 6:58 pm
Having been that girl, I have to agree with Dog. It’s mainly that we don’t think we deserve better. Sucks and it’s stupid but there it is. and it’s not conscious so you can’t even confront us about it.
I got better.
But my feeling about dating is pretty similar to yours: both people should pick up the tab. Though I think on a first date, whoever asked the other person should pay.
I used to astound one guy I dated because, despite my being a student and him working full-time, I insisted on picking up the tab from time to time. He would always look a little flummoxed and say, “You don’t have to.” And I’d say, “I know.” Then he’d thank me.
Kind of sad that it’s that novel of an idea, no?
6 Meg // May 18, 2009 at 6:01 pm
An IOU for Valentine’s Day, birthday, and Christmas?! That is disgusting and SO unacceptable. Even if he cannot afford to buy a present (which he SHOULD be able to manage especially as he doesn’t seem to pay for anything else), he could and should DO something. Cook a romantic meal, give her a full body massage, write a letter, pick some flowers, the options are endless. If he literally wrote out or verbalized an IOU and that was that then she needs to dump this loser immediately.
And dating financial infants is in the same category as dating users or abusers or other low-lifes – women do it because a) they think they can change them and are addicted to “mothering,” b) they feel successful or responsible by comparison, and/or c) they are self-loathing or suffer from a complete lack of self esteem.
7 Kristy @ Master Your Card // May 19, 2009 at 12:15 am
Well, I’m not sure there’s anything you can say or do to make your friend realize she deserves better. It’s sort of like Abigail said, it’s subconscious and she’ll have to come to grips with it on her own.
In terms of your question, I’m a little old-fashioned in that I think a guy should pay for the first date (unless I asked him, which would never happen). But, for the remainder of the relationship, I think it should be equal – go dutch or take turns paying. But, I think if you’re in a relationship where it’s expected that one will pay for the other, then it’s become a situation where the other is taking advantage of the one. I also believe that you should always be watching your financial pocketbook when in relationships.
This may be a very jaded view, but I’ve seen enough in my days of banking to know better then to leave myself open to financial ruin because of another person. When I get married, there will be a pre-nup, as well as, separate personal accounts that my spouse will know about, but not have access to. I’m not into keeping secrets, I think these things should be discussed. But, I think that it’s wise to have money set aside just for yourself…just in case.
8 LAL // May 20, 2009 at 10:03 pm
Actually ladies and Gent, my Best friend likes these types of guys for the FUN. She likes having fun and they are fun.
Trust me, we’ve debated this, guys who work don’t like to go out and party! They are too tired from working.
When you date guys who don’t work, they like to go to bars, nightclubs, etc. So it’s the fun factor.
I know she could get better and actually has! But she said they were “boring”. They wanted to eat dinner in, cook, maybe clean, watch a movie.
Not everyone wants a boring life. Some people like to party, drink, go out and party, etc. I’m her boring best friend of 20+ years. So she tolerates me, but I never go out with her and these types of guys. They are too much energy.
I think that it will pass. That when she gets maybe 40 and is tired of partying she’ll find someone else. Or maybe she’ll have to just find younger men not ready to settle down.
9 meinmillions // May 21, 2009 at 11:46 am
I have almost the opposite problem with the boy. He likes to pay for everything (which is nice some of the time), but I hate feeling like things are unequal in that department of our relationship. I do try to pay sometimes, but not as much as he does. It’s hard because he makes much more than I do and is a lot more loose with his money than I am. I’m hoping it won’t be a problem in our relationship because we’ve only been dating for a few months… and I haven’t outed myself as a frugal girl yet.
10 LAL // May 22, 2009 at 10:08 pm
MM, do you think it’s a problem being frugal with someone so generous?
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