This might seem like a strange question, but do most people give anything when someone dies? Do you give cash at a funeral? What is proper etiquette?
I bet this does sound strange, like giving enough cash to “cover” your plate for a wedding. But since I had a recent funeral, my family was discussing trying to refuse the “Koden”. Or the tradition where funeral guests give cash to help cover the expenses. The amount of course depends on the relationship with the deceased. And it’s noted in a book with the name of the giver and amount (sounds crass but it’s traditional).
Interestingly my grandfather’s funeral, apparently around $10k of Koden was collected. I know my mom wished nothing had been given because now she feels obligated to give back to those who gave her. I wonder though, when do traditions like this end?
10 responses so far ↓
1 Meg from FruWiki // Apr 20, 2009 at 11:33 am
Wow, never heard of that tradition! That would feel kinda weird where I am from, but it makes sense — especially if the deceased didn’t have a life insurance policy.
Here, you might send flowers for the funeral, but sometimes the family asks for donations to a charity instead of flowers as a better use of the money.
Then it is customary, especially here in the South, for the (often older) womenfolk to bring plenty of food to the bereaved’s house where everyone meets after the funeral: tons of casseroles, roasts, mashed potatoes, every Southern comfort food classic you can imagine. There is always way too much food for everyone to eat so the family shouldn’t have to worry about cooking while they grieve.
2 LAL // Apr 20, 2009 at 4:21 pm
I’ve heard of food, but never actually seen food given. It definitely is an unusual tradition to give money.
3 ND // Apr 21, 2009 at 1:41 pm
I’m from Guam and we also have the tradition of giving money (called “chenchule” for funerals, weddings, and baby showers in lieu of gifts. As with your tradition, the idea is to help defray the costs incurred by the immediate family and in many situations, you do end up with a “profit” so to speak. These donations are gifts and if you have extra money left over, put it aside in an emergency fund or use it to donate at the next big event. What goes around comes around.
4 LAL // Apr 21, 2009 at 1:46 pm
ND, cool!
5 JoeP // Apr 21, 2009 at 3:53 pm
It is a Japanese-American custom, so I would say that if a majority of the family identifies with that, it should be collected by those with whom it is familiar. For those outside of the custom, they should not be expected to bring in money.
We typically supply food to the family, since they are usually too busy with other more pressing issues.
6 LAL // Apr 21, 2009 at 11:34 pm
It is but pretty much all cultures in Hawaii do it. It’s now an expected custom no matter what background the family is.
7 holly // Apr 22, 2009 at 7:38 am
I buried my hubby and mother <6 months apart. Several people did give me $$ which shocked me. I believe it is a cultural thing-just not part of my background/culture.
8 LAL // Apr 22, 2009 at 9:22 am
Holly did you feel weird about taking the money?
9 JoeP // Apr 22, 2009 at 9:53 am
Just me 2c, I would feel a bit flustered if someone actually tried to give me MONEY at a funeral. The point of the ceremony is to honor the deceased and provide emotional support to those affected by the loss. To me, bringing money into the mix would come across as trying to make money an important factor in this delicate time when it really shouldn’t be. However, if I attended a funeral where the guests were expected to bring money, I would.
10 LAL // Apr 22, 2009 at 10:33 am
JoeP, they don’t give you cash, they hand you an envelope! It’s very discreet.
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