How do you deal with jealousy between family members? It’s easy to keep your distance from friends, coworkers, and others who are jealous of your success. Typically those people say things to keep you down. They question whey you are saving. What is the point? Can you really save enough to survive? They belittle your efforts to live “frugally” or perhaps “cheaply”.
But what happens when it’s your own family who is jealous of your success? When it is your a family member who belittles your actions? Who wonders why you are clipping coupons, brown bagging lunch, driving the same old crappy car? How do you deal with your family members thinking you are broke and cheap? You can’t just avoid them or cut them out of your life like you do with friends, coworkers, etc. You still may have to see them at holidays, get-togethers.
But what can you do? Are they jealous of you success? Or are they afraid of their own spending? There is no easy answer. I think you just have to keep doing what you are doing and ignore the comments. Keep your head down and keep on trudging.
My DH and I get comments fromrelatives, that we’re being to”frugal” or “cheap”. That we’re being too cautious. Why aren’t we living it up more? Why are we driving such crappy cars? We never reveal our true financial position because it would be bragging. Yet they wonder why we don’t have a nice watch, nicer clothes, or go out more.
I guess we’re just trying to cut corners where we can. And while I feel like being snarky, a good relationship with your relatives can be important. The best thing to do is ignore it. And hope that perhaps they’ll follow your frugal ways. I’m starting to see that in this current economic environment more and more people are becoming concerned about money. They are starting to care.
In fact last night my best friend said I’ve rubbed off on her. She actually has started to consider purchases more carefully before just buying something and leaping in. She looks more for coupons and deals and calls me to ask for help. I totally am down with that! Guess I’m just the leader of the pack now.
15 responses so far ↓
1 SP // Mar 6, 2009 at 10:08 am
My family (sister) used to bug me about not getting a new car when I graduated. She happened to marry someone who has wealthy family, so built in security. I had to create my own efund, car fund, down payment… from scratch. I figured she didn’t get it, and let it go.
Now that we are in a recession, I don’t think anyone has anything negative to say about being frugal.
2 JoeP // Mar 6, 2009 at 12:52 pm
What kind of relatives would have the gall to actually *comment* on your choices for cars or your lifestyle? Sounds like a terribly rude thing to do. Maybe we just lucked out, but no relative in our families has ever done that.
We’re not jealous of anyone, and we don’t flaunt what we have. CC companies love jealous people.
3 fengshui // Mar 7, 2009 at 1:18 am
My family would never make comments either…. and my wealthy in-laws act cheaper than my family with no money, so we don’t ever have to “hide” being frugal… LOL
4 LivingAlmostLarge // Mar 7, 2009 at 2:34 pm
I think it’s a generational thing. That many people in their 20s and 30s appear to be “competing” with each other. Not just family but friends too.
Trust me, I have to remind my DH that we don’t have rich parents as friends drive off in a BMW. I know they can afford it because they don’t have student loans, have a down payment for a house provided for, so it’s not like they are even USING CC. It kills me that it’s all free. Sigh.
JoeP, I wish I could say they were in debt. HA! It’d be easier not to want a nice car. But like SP, these are people whose families have money and can give them stuff.
5 Fabulously Broke // Mar 8, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Those with money, don’t show it.
Those without, do.
My brother seems to be the only exception to this rule but he works like a dog to pay for it, although he definitely doesn’t drive luxury cars, but is living what is most people’s ideas of a “normal life”, but only paid for with a $400k household income.
With that $400k, people think that my bro should be in a mansion with luxury cars and nannies everywhere.. But he isn’t. He’s realistic for the lifestyle.
They’re the ones who are unrealistic about what it costs, not him.
Anyway, I like it people think I’m not rich or a bit poorer.
Especially bankers. They’re so rude to me when I come in. Then (I smugly feel great about this), when they start getting snippy or really rude to me thinking that I’m some young, poor college schlep who doesn’t make more than $900/month I blow their minds when I start depositing cheques for $20k/month.
7 Kristy @ Master Your Card // Mar 9, 2009 at 2:46 am
My brother is a jealous individual and he tries to guilt you into giving him money. He’s a moocher in a big way and I’ve told my parents they need to cut him off. They’ve already paid his rent for 1 year, plus other bills in his apartment. They’ve given him money for groceries and misc. expenses, yet he does nothing to earn it. He was fired from his last job, so since then he’s just been lounging around doing nothing. Yet, if you tell him you’re not giving him money, he gets mean and nasty and says that you don’t understand how hard it is for him, etc.
The last rant out of him he told me I had no clue what it was like to suffer. He said I had money ( but he said it like it was dirty) and I should stick to living the high and mighty life. There was more, but I won’t bore you. Needless to say, I’ve pretty much cut off all contact with him. I see him at holidays and that’s about it.
The reality of it is that he is completely jealous that others are so much more successful than he is. He resents it. But, he could be successful too if he’d drop the attitude and put a little effort in. Can’t tell him that, though!
8 JoeP // Mar 9, 2009 at 10:27 am
LAL: CC companies love jealous people in that they provide the means for those driven by jealousy to get things they can’t afford. Someone who can afford an expensive car is probably not buying it as a reaction to someone else, whereas someone who cannot afford the car probably goes into debt just because they feel the need to impress someone as a result of jealousy.
It’s also funny that some people try real hard to impress people they don’t really like!
9 Slinky // Mar 9, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Last year, I bought a car for the first time – all by myself! So I’m all excited and super proud of myself and I drive over to see my brother, who is a total gearhead (car guy). He basically told me how lame it is and how it’s a cheap piece of junk. (Scion = toyota = foreign crap) I was pretty crushed, and the only other person I showed my car off to was my best friend. He had totally burst my happy little bubble. All because his life sucked at the time. Happily though, he felt so bad that when he walked in at Thanksgiving he came right over to me and apologized and said he felt really bad for bashing my car, and it’s really a nice car.
10 JoeP // Mar 9, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Slinky, if it is a xB, I can *totally* understand why you’d be mocked. After all, it’s a pretty easy target for ridicule. Regardless, it’s not NICE to poke fun of someone’s car.
11 LivingAlmostLarge // Mar 9, 2009 at 9:17 pm
I agree about showing off for those who you don’t even like. I think it’s awful.
Slinky congrats on the car. Although I like joe have to admit snickering at a Scion XB. I think of it of the dog transportation car.
It’s what the dog daycare we have uses to pick up dogs, and it’s bright yellow.
12 Slinky // Mar 10, 2009 at 9:49 am
@JoeP and LAL – It’s not an xB, it’s the tC – so it’s just a sporty little two door – nothing terribly snicker worthy.
13 SP // Mar 10, 2009 at 3:59 pm
I don’t think I’d call it “gall” that my sister asked why i didn’t get a new car. She just didn’t understand why I didn’t, because nearly everyone does when they graduate college. Hardly anyone buys their first car with cash. “You are young and single with a good job, why wouldn’t you?” Please do not call my family rude, only *I* am allowed to do that.
LAL, even if parents don’t outright give cars/down payments, knowing you can skimp on an efund is a huge perk of having money in the family. My efund was pretty much my single financial focus for 2 years after graduating (and i’m glad, given current economy)
14 LAL // Mar 10, 2009 at 9:10 pm
SP, tell JoeP not to call your family gall, I certainly didn’t. I have relatives like that and I have to say I think I’m polite to them. I think sometimes it’s hard to get where they are coming frun.
Definitely knowing you don’t need a real EF is a big deal. Too bad my parents would never give me money!
15 LAL // Mar 10, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Slinky that sounds cuter than mine. LOL. At least it’s not the dog car.
Weekly Round Up | Master Your Card - Mar 9, 2009
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