In any relationship, whether it be friendship, marriage, or parent-child there is always compromise. A compromise of where to eat, where to vacation, what to buy, etc. No relationship is dictated by one person, at least not good relationships.
But what happens when one person is frugal and the other is not? Or what happens when there is an earning differential between two people? Thus what is “expensive” to one person is “cheap” to another, as I discussed previously in “Relative Frugality“.
What happens when you have to compromise your frugality?
Well I think that if you want a good relationship it’s not about demanding absolute dedication to frugality or spending. It’s about finding the balance between saving and spending money. Finding a compromise.
Perhaps a friend suggests a movie out instead of sitting at home. But as a compromise knowing that you are trying to save, they suggest cooking dinner at home first then going out. Would that be too spendthrifty still for the frugalite? Or is it the right balance of compromise?
Personally I find myself, the fruglite, compromising all the time with my DH. He is definitely not as frugal as I am. He like to enjoy life. One example is my DH loves snowboarding, a very expensive hobby.
A month ago we went boarding and paid $60/each for a day pass. He had a fantastic time. I ended up tearing my ACL. So I can look at it as paying $60 to injury myself or paying $60 to make my DH happy. I think of it as making my DH happy. So while I think snowboarding is stupid, I realize that it’s not always about saving every penny, but rather compromising spending to make us both happy. We compromised by taking sandwiches and drinks from home to save money, instead of buying lunch on the mountain.
Lesson? Don’t go snowboarding. But on a serious note, the lesson I got is compromising about frugality is sometimes just as important as frugality itself.
19 responses so far ↓
1 JoeP // Feb 26, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Since getting married and being very conscious of our spending versus our saving, I have become very conservative when it comes to spending. In fact, I actually find it hard to accept expensive gifts and use gift cards! Not sure if this is frugal or nuts.
With respect to compromise, I have found that relaxing my frugality a bit helps. Knowing that an expense brings someone else pleasure assures me that the money was well spent, and knowing that it doesn’t impact our long term plans (and short term behaviors) is reassuring and makes spending a little easier.
Another helpful tip is to find another family that spends like crazy, and use that as a Don’t Go There measure of sorts. We say, “At least we’re not like THEM,” and it makes our expense go a little easier; we’re buying one flat screen, not a fifth one!
2 Fabulously Broke // Feb 26, 2009 at 6:54 pm
Yeahhhhhh.
Strangely, BF is now the super frugal one and I am not.
This is an odd change, but it’s making me even more frugal than before.. although we both have weaknesses for technology so it’s kosher
He understands my hobby.. lol
3 LAL // Feb 26, 2009 at 10:34 pm
Joe, I prefer not to speculate on anyone else’s spending! They might be able to afford their new stuff. You shouldn’t either. How do you know they aren’t independently wealthy?
FB, I find that I hate being the frugal one.
4 JoeP // Feb 27, 2009 at 8:11 am
LAL, be that what it may, we know these people pretty well, and they have been very outspoken about living for the “now.” My point wasn’t to be critical or speculative, but rather use that kind of behavior as a benchmark of what not to do when we balance saving and spending. Pretty much anyone can’t *help* but feel frugal compared to these people.
5 Saver Queen // Feb 27, 2009 at 9:26 am
I completely agree with the premise of this post. You need to know when to compromise. It will keep your spirits light and help to maintain those friendships. Otherwise, you risk turning your fulfilling frugal life into one of extremity. Of course, not everyone has this option. Those who are living in poverty and have to account for every penny may not be able to afford even the occasional splurge, and friends should be supportive of their need for frugality.
6 Meg from FruWiki // Feb 27, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Compromise is a must. That’s why I love the idea of having separate “fun money” accounts (or envelopes if you’re old school).
My husband and I pretty much agree when it comes to money, though. We were spenders together and now we’re savers together.
7 Abigail // Feb 27, 2009 at 7:11 pm
Your relationship definitely sounds like me and my husband Tim. He’s the less frugal between the two of us. So there are definite moments of friction — when he “just” grabs some fast food because he didn’t eat before leaving the house.
That said, I’ve been a good influence on him. He’s getting a lot better at talking himself out of purchases, even little ones. And in return, we were able to save enough to pay off a ton of stuff, including $15,000 of student loans and $7000 of dental bills. A huge load off his shoulders. He’s happier with a light at the end of the tunnel.
And, I must admit, he’s been a good influence on me. I come from a panicky mindset for frugality: spending automatically bad. He’s helping me to see that, to maintain sanity while paying off debt, small indulgences can be important. He’s reminding me to not just live for the future when we’re completely debt free, but to also live life in the present. That’s something I’ve always had a problem with — even in high school.
So sometimes compromises are not just necessary, but good for you.
10 LivingAlmostLarge // Mar 2, 2009 at 4:30 pm
JoeP, maybe. I don’t know. I’ve often found that people I didn’t think could afford something, often times can!
SQ, that’s exactly it. In life nothing is exactly 50-50. Although it’s hard to find a balance.
Meg I agree about separate money. However, when you are in debt, it’s easier to try to focus on a goal of debt repayment over how to spend.
Abigail, definitely you have to live life as well. Being cheap along the way and then regretting it has happened to me.
11 Meg from FruWiki // Mar 2, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Well, regardless of debt, you have to plan how to spend (at least a little), otherwise you’ll spend without a plan — not good!
12 LivingAlmostLarge // Mar 3, 2009 at 8:36 am
I think a spending plan is a good idea.
15 Value For Your Life // Mar 22, 2009 at 8:20 am
Compromise can be good, it can force us to open our minds, enjoy and live life by doing things we might have not otherwise done, and reminds us that it doesn’t always have to be black and white. On the financial side, for me anyway, keeping track of my spending is the key to seeing the big picture. BTW, sorry to hear about your knee
Sincerely,
Amanda
17 LivingAlmostLarge // Mar 22, 2009 at 10:28 am
Thanks amanda. I think of it more as one more compromise in marriage. It’s not always about you. Or else you won’t stay married.
18 Neighbor Nancy // Mar 22, 2009 at 9:08 pm
My DH and I are lucky to be of the same frugal mindset.
The only thing scarier to me than a spender is a gambler.
19 LivingAlmostLarge // Mar 22, 2009 at 10:53 pm
Probably any OCD behavior is bad.
Weekly Roundup | Master Your Card - Mar 1, 2009
Online Credit World » Blog Archive » Weekly Roundup - Mar 2, 2009
» Happy St Patrick’s Festival #169! on the Festival of Frugality - Mar 17, 2009
LivingAlmostLarge » Weekly Roundup and Carnivals - Mar 20, 2009
Valuable Links For Your Life-March 22-2009 | Value For Your Life - Mar 22, 2009
Leave a Comment