A reader asked, is it worth staying in a relationship/marriage for financial reasons? When do you walk away and lose everything?
Honestly? I think you just leave. Money or no money. Pack your bags and start walking. If you are unhappy and unable to start over without leaving, then leave.
But what if you want to keep the house and force the other person to stay? I am not sure.
I don’t necessarily think it is easy or can happen. I think perhaps hanging onto the house is often the financial downfall of the party that keeps the house.
Perhaps other readers can share an experience or give advice on what steps to take either in leaving or forcing the other person to leave. I’ve suggested contacting a lawyer and just moving home with parents. But that would cause the person loss of the house.
4 responses so far ↓
1 Abigail // Feb 27, 2009 at 7:21 pm
I’m not sure what you would want to do if you want to keep the house. Frankly, if neither of you can afford to buy the other person out, it’s worth realizing that you’ll probably have to sell anyway.
I am in a happy marriage, but I’ve been in bad relationships. All I can say is: leave. If you’ve tried counseling — on your own, if your partner refuses — and you’re still unhappy… It’s just not worth it.
My mother was with my father for nearly 25 years. He was controlling, dismissive of her, lost his temper to the point of terror on her part… But she stayed. Because she thought she couldn’t do better. Because she was afraid to try to make it on her own. And probably a zillion other reasons.
And now she just kicks herself for all that time she wasted being unhappy.
I know nothing is cut-and-dry. I know both parties have some blame in relationships. Your partner might never yell at you or demean you. But if you know that it isn’t working and you’re unhappy… Just go.
Being unhappy affects so much more than your state of mind. It influences your physical health as well as mental. It zaps your energy.
You can get another house. You might even be able, with the help of a good lawyer, to keep that house. But you can’t get time back. If you talk to anyone about getting out of a bad relationship, all you will hear is, “I can’t believe it took me so long.”
So make a game plan, figure out how you will support yourself — especially if you keep possession of the house — and then either leave or tell the other person to leave. But get out of this dynamic that is making you miserable.
2 fengshui // Mar 1, 2009 at 2:06 am
What if it is a situation where the person who wants to keep it can afford to pay it on their own, and there is little equity since it was an 80/20 loan? What is to “buy out” then? Give the other person 50% of what equity there actually is? Say if there is $12k in equity, you give the person $6k and call it a day? Or is that too simple of a thought process?
3 Pearl // Mar 1, 2009 at 9:26 pm
In a lot of divorces, the retirement plans are worth more than the house equity, and if someone really wants to keep the house, he/she can “buy out” the other with a share of retirement if cash isn’t available. But keeping a house that was financed on the basis of two incomes and trying to pay for it on one income is very risky.
4 LivingAlmostLarge // Mar 1, 2009 at 9:49 pm
Depends on the real equity. The real equity could be nothing, could be more. The only way is to have 2 independent appraisals done likely. In which case, you’d have to fork over the appraisal fee. Sigh.
Leave a Comment