Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone. Hope you aren’t buying into the whole commercialized day. Personally I hate going out on V-Day. Bad service, terrible food, and rip off prices. But instead I decided to give readers a nifty post from a woman striving to become a Trophy Wife. After last weekend’s DABA girls, I thought this would be a cool post from the perspective of a DABA girl! Her name is Megan from When I Grow Up I want to be a Trophy Wife.
When I Grow Up I want to be a Trophy Wife
Hi All! I want to start by saying thank you to LAL for asking me to write this guest post and for taking interest in my blog, When I Grow Up I Want To Be A Trophy Wife.
I realize that a girl who wants to be a trophy wife doesn’t fit in too well with a blog and a community about being financially independent, but LAL asked me to explain why I hold my aspirations and how they relate to my view of finances. So, risking comment-whiplash, I will do my best.
Since making the conscious life goal of a becoming a trophy wife about four years ago, I have thought about and been asked why more than once. I believe the roots were planted at a young age. In my family, the “moral code” states that if you are going to grow up, get married, and have children, as a good wife and mother you will stay home and take care of the children. Day care would never be an option; nannies a possibility depending on financial situation. So since I was a young girl, I knew that I probably would not be a “career woman” and would stay at home with the children I wanted to have. Call it right or wrong, but it is a family value that was instilled in me from a young age: If you have kids, you better raise them.
While I looked forward to being a stay-at-home mom, the idea of “trophy wife” was actually impressed upon me by my current boyfriend. Back when we were just good friends, he and I had a long conversation about how he could someday see himself with a TW. He is in the finance business, and TWs are not rare.
I had never really heard of a “trophy wife” before, and so I asked him to explain it to me. The conversation followed something like this:
HIM: “Typically they are younger than their husbands, by at least a few years. They stay at home and focus on making themselves beautiful, going to hair and nail appointments, lunch with their friends, tanning by the pool. They don’t work, and spend a lot of time making their husbands happy and doing what they can to make his life more comfortable.”
ME: “Where can I sign up?”
Ok, so I didn’t really say that, but I know it was the thought in my head. To me, it seemed (and still does seem) like a great deal. I get to pamper myself all day while my husband goes off and makes the big bucks? And my only real responsibility is to make sure a delicious dinner is ready when he gets home and that I look so gorgeous he would rather just eat me? Sounds like a great life to me.
Since that conversation, my views on trophy wives have changed a bit. I realize now that there are responsibilities to children as well (unless you want to hire a nanny, which I wouldn’t), and to the home (grocery shopping, decorating). Also, I have found from dating my boyfriend over the last year and a half that being married to men who can have trophy wives involves a lot of worry (especially in this economy), late nights waiting for them to finish work, and that keeping your husband happy and comfortable can be a bigger task than you might think depending on how the workday went.
Even still, I believe it would be the ideal life. I have worked towards my goal over the past four years by changing my attitude and demeanor around men. The highest item on my resume so far is dating my boyfriend. I know that if I stay with him, I will never be out of a job. Quick note: A trophy wife is not synonymous with “gold digger”. I love my boyfriend for much more than just money. In fact, having a trophy wife is much more about the way you treatment of your wife, ie as a princess, than it is about having money. Money just helps.)
All right, so thanks for letting me explain to you the why and how of TWs. But since this is a blog on finance, let’s get down to that. Many people see financial “cons” as the main draw-back of being a Trophy Wife. Such as…
“But TBTW, won’t it bother you to never get your own paycheck? How can you rely so completely on one person for everything? What will you do if he leaves you and takes everything? You won’t know what to do!”
True, if I decide to become a trophy wife I will not have a regular job. However, that doesn’t mean I will never have a paycheck. For instance, I am studying journalism. Despite all of the responsibilities of a trophy wife, I would still love to do freelance work for magazines or write novels later in life. Freelancing can be quite lucrative, and if the book is good, there is plenty of money in literature.
As for relying completely on my husband, I can answer that in a few ways:
One, I really actually enjoy relying on other people. Since I have started dating my boyfriend, I have relied on him for a lot, and it has made my life immensely easier. Even just letting him pick what restaurant we are going to that night takes a lot off my shoulders, and I really don’t care anyway. As for the aspects of life I do care about, I would never want to play TW to a man who has no respect for what I have to say. My opinion matters too. Also, while I may rely on my hubby financially, he will rely upon me for just as much if not more (example: taking care of his children).
Two, although he may have made the money, it can still be mine. I learned from my mother’s divorce that your own checking and savings accounts that don’t have your husband’s name on them are important. I plan on having both. I also plan on having an account for household money, such as grocery shopping money. When children come into the picture, they will have their own accounts as well. With that system, at the beginning of the month, Husband can transfer set amounts into each account that only I can take out. So if Husband and I decide that I need X amount for my personal shopping and pampering each month, or Y amount for groceries, I will get that and will deal with it on my own, where Husband can’t touch. It may seem a bit like an allowance, but it is also a great budgeting technique and one that keeps me from running off to hubby every time I need to buy toilet paper.
If he does leave me (which if you pick them right, they never will), have a pre-nup that you feel comfortable with. Pre-nups don’t just protect the husbands. Or, if you aren’t comfortable with pre-nups, get a good lawyer. It may be expensive at the time, but it will pay itself 10x over in alimony payments.
Finally, protect yourself in other ways by having other options. For instance, I will graduate with a degree in journalism. Although I may not use it, if I ever needed to, it would be there. Make sure to stay friends with contacts in an industry that would be able to offer you a job if you needed one. There is a big difference between being a trophy wife and being helpless.
Most importantly, a trophy wife is a state-of-mind much more than it is a title. While I would personally like to make it a title, I believe every woman should think of herself as a trophy wife, a princess to be put on a pedestal and adored by her husband. A good wife and mother who focuses on the family, even if it’s not her full life. Trophy wives can certainly take on many forms, this is just mine.
Thanks again LAL! I hope readers will stop by my blog sometime if they found this post interesting!
- To Be Trophy Wife
Thanks again Megan for a response from the other side!
23 responses so far ↓
1 Meg from FruWiki // Feb 14, 2009 at 11:05 am
Megan,
Why do you want to be a trophy wife and not a “regular” housewife / SAHW — or do you not see a difference?
Personally, I think your ex-boyfriend described “trophy wife” pretty well. But I’m not sure that’s even what you are describing. Trophy wives are there to be a pretty status symbol on the arm of their husband. My impression has been that they are far from equal partners in the relationship and easily “upgraded”.
But you sound like you want to do and be more than just be a pretty face — like having kids, helping around the house, even working from home, etc. Maybe I’m reading more into this than I should, but it sounds like you want to be a real life partner. That, to me, sounds more like a regular SAHW.
And what would be wrong with that? It doesn’t mean that your husband finds you any less attractive. To the contrary, the additional skills and help you bring to the marriage would no doubt be very valued — even when you’re old and gray together.
2 Fit Wallet // Feb 14, 2009 at 11:43 am
It takes all kinds of people in this world. Who am I to judge if that’s the way Megan wants to live her life? As a gay woman, I sure get tired of other people telling me how to live mine. Best of luck of Megan in her endeavors.
3 Meg from FruWiki // Feb 14, 2009 at 12:22 pm
And just to be clear, I agree with Fit Wallet and so I hope that I didn’t come off as judgemental. I’m just looking for clarification since “trophy wife” is obviously a loaded term — as it is usually used as an insult — and means somewhat different things to different people.
4 Meg from FruWiki // Feb 14, 2009 at 12:28 pm
And on further thought, I think that most SAHW/Ms would be offended to be called trophy wives. As a SAHW, I definitely wouldn’t want to be called one. I’d feel that people were insulting my intelligence, work ethic, usefulness, etc. and minimizing all that I bring to our relationship beyond looks. My husband already adores me and is very proud of me — all without objectifying me.
5 Fabulously Broke // Feb 14, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Had to write my own response as to why I don’t want to be a trophy wife.
I see that Megan DOES have ambitions outside of just being a pretty wife, but taking it literally, a trophy wife doesn’t work, period. And with Meg’s comments being taken into account, it sounds more like a SAHM.
6 louise // Feb 14, 2009 at 2:58 pm
“I believe every woman should think of herself as a trophy wife, a princess to be put on a pedestal and adored by her husband”
excuse me while I throw up…
If couldn’t run fast enough from a man who thought like that!
First let me say that I’m not referring to SAHM’s, thats VERY different to trophy wife.
I thinks it’s her choice if thats the lifestyle she wants but I think she has a very limited and naive idea of what’s it’s really like.
One of my clients is a trophy wife, had been for 30 years. she is miserable. Mistresses will usually be part of the deal as well, and often sex workers. The current mistress rings every evening and her hubby spends each weekend with her. She attends family events, until the next one comes along…
I also work with men who have trophy wives, sex with other women, and often sex workers is part of the deal for most of them. I know because I hear all about it as part my job. So if she’s OK with that, then go for it, it’s her life, but she’s presenting a very one sided picture at the moment.
7 paranoidasteroid // Feb 14, 2009 at 4:34 pm
There is so much wrong with this post that I don’t even know where to begin.
Let me start by saying that if I was given the opportunity to live without needing to work and still be rich, I would take it. But this is because I am lazy, and would love the idea of pampering myself constantly. It’s stupid to try to justify this as a life choice beyond that. Your family took away any belief that you might be able to accomplish something yourself. I think that’s sad.
Your man is probably not going to give you your own account. A prenup protects the person with the money. There may be some compensation if you have kids, but I think you’d be surprised how tight his prenup is going to be. You’ll get enough to live on, but you won’t live the way you’ve gotten used to.
As a trophy wife, you will have to constantly be aware of your appearance. A wrinkle, a gray hair, an extra five pounds will be disastrous. And if he’s successful enough, he WILL trade up and you will be left alone. Marriages don’t last because he loved you in the beginning. It lasts because of equality in the marriage. You have to be able to give him something else, and from this article, it seems you don’t aspire to have anything else. You can say, “Oh, I’ll be equal in my marriage,” but the truth is you never will be. It won’t happen just because you say so.
And, like the DABA girls, you may one day find yourself without all the things you thought you had. Yes, it could happen to you.
Obviously it’s your life and you can do what you want. No random blogger on the internet is going to change your mind. However, don’t dismiss what people are saying. You’ve romanticized this idea of a trophy wife to the point where it’s not realistic at all. I think you’ll be disappointed.
8 Natalie MacNeil // Feb 14, 2009 at 5:48 pm
I agree with paranoidasteroid that you are romanticizing an unrealistic life.
And we often don’t use the term “trophy wife” correctly. It sounds to me like you want to be a housewife. I wrote a post in response: http://www.shetakesontheworld.com/2009/02/trophy-wife-or-housewife.html
9 Alice // Feb 14, 2009 at 7:48 pm
A man who has a ‘trophy wife’, usually has several of them. Once TW#1 gets old, she is immediately replaced. TW’s are nothing more than whores and prostitutes. Is that what you want to be when you grow up?
Also, what in the world makes you think you will ever be a TW? You’re boyfriend sounds like a real dud. I doubt very much he’s got more than a few mill$ in the bank.
TW are just that: trophies. They sit on a shelf and they are meant to look good. In reality, all they do is collect dust.
I’m extremely disappointed in LAL that she would allow such perverted drivel on her precious and most esteemed blog. LAL has dropped a few pegs in my eyes.
Yuck!
10 dogatemyfinances // Feb 15, 2009 at 5:46 pm
I agree with Alice, except I like this drivel a lot. “Trophy wife” really is a loaded term, but it’s interesting to see all define it differently.
It doesn’t make sense to even have a trophy wife unless you have several $M. A lowly investment banker is not going to cut it.
Then you’re just a SAHW with a shallow relationship.
11 frugal zeitgeist // Feb 15, 2009 at 6:45 pm
Interesting post. Meg’s dreams are Meg’s dreams, and she has every right to dream whatever she wants. Having said that, I think she should take note of the fact that because of the way the economic cuts have taken shape (I think I read that 82% of the layoffs have impacted men), we are rapidly approaching a situation in which more women are in the US workforce than men.
Also, living in New York where trophy wife wanna-bes are a dime a dozen, I think Meg would be wise to have a backup plan.
12 Kristy @ Master Your Card // Feb 16, 2009 at 12:48 am
I agree with everyone that Megan’s dreams are her own and I’m not judging her specifically. However, as an independent woman, I do not understand the desire to be an unequal partner in a relationship, completely valued for my looks and nothing more. That demeans me as a human being and a woman of intelligence. I don’t view it as being a princess who should be pampered and placed on a pedestal. I see it as living in a constant state of fear because you don’t know if and when you’ll be replaced by a younger, more attractive model. Another objection I have to this way of life is that I couldn’t see taking someone else’s money when I didn’t earn it. It feels like stealing to me. And this business of having a a pre-nup that sets you up with his money in divorce through alimony and child support is of the same caliber in my book.
We each have our own set of morals and it’s really none of my business how one woman chooses to live her life from the next. But, I completely disagree with the lifestyle and the reasoning of wanting to be a trophy wife. If it works for you, fine. It doesn’t work for me.
13 444 // Feb 16, 2009 at 9:32 am
I wouldn’t be insulted by the title of “trophy wife” – bring it on! I’ll take any compliment (even if it only pertains to looks.) In fact, my husband has already confirmed for me that I’m a trophy wife, the only time this came up in conversation. (I had not heard the term before and had to have a conversation about my new-found humorous descriptor.)
No mistresses, though, please.
He said I keep him so busy that he’d never have time for that.
Can you tell that I don’t take this very seriously? I guess I can’t really get into worrying about how people define what, and even how they structure their lives. Sorry, but I find much of this to be so silly I can’t even tell if it was written in tongue-in-cheek fashion so I can’t help but respond in kind.
14 frugal zeitgeist // Feb 16, 2009 at 9:18 pm
I googled “trophy wife” just to see what would come up and I found an interesting article from the UK Telegraph. It’s pretty harsh, but also a very interesting and very different perspective.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/features/3631514/From-trophy-wife-to-toxic-wife.html
15 LivingAlmostLarge // Feb 17, 2009 at 6:46 pm
Meg, I agree it does sound more like a stay at home mom position.
Fit, that’s why I posted it. I think feminism is about choosing how you want to live. We should be open to hearing all sides. Also, I gotta say that sometimes people get bad raps from preconceived notions.
Louise, interesting points.
PA, definitely good points as well. But I can’t help but wonder how many other women marry with hopes of “staying at home” and not working? But NEVER admit it?
Alice, you are free to your own opinion. But remember to every story there are 2 sides. And I think that feminism is about being able to choose what you want to do with your life.
16 LivingAlmostLarge // Feb 17, 2009 at 6:49 pm
Natalie, there are many stay at home wives who do what Megan is describing.
Dog, how much do you think it takes really for a trophy wife? How do the DABA girls survive if these young guys are “only” making $500k?
FZ, I don’t believe she’s in NY. I think she’s in Michigan.
444, it’s meant to show the otherside. Everyone was down on DABA girls, but there is more than just being a DABA girl.
17 frugal zeitgeist // Feb 17, 2009 at 10:06 pm
LAL – yup, I know she’s not in New York. One of the M states, Minnesota if I remember correctly. I was just trying to make the point that there are a great many other people who want the same thing out there, so it may not be easy.
I’m glad you posted the article. I thought it was really, really interesting precisely because it’s such a different viewpoint. You’re quite right that feminism is about choice. Thanks!
18 LivingAlmostLarge // Feb 18, 2009 at 9:19 am
I did too. Not many people would put out there wha they really want when it’s against the “grain”.
19 dogatemyfinances // Feb 20, 2009 at 12:34 pm
With only a few $M, you’re just a SAHM/W — even on 500K in NYC. Trophy wives need access to wealth, that’s the entire point.
Besides, if your entire goal in life is gold-digging, you could dig up a whole, whole lot more than that.
I don’t think this is that against the grain. I think we’ve all fantasized about marrying into money, and there’s a reason women throw themselves at rich men. Still, good for Megzn for putting it out there.
20 LAL // Feb 20, 2009 at 10:40 pm
Dog, I agree that it could be consider SAHM/W without substantial assets. What a fantasy.
21 Sallie's Niece // Feb 21, 2009 at 11:31 pm
Most trophy wives don’t have much ambition other than being rich and spoiled. You seem like you have actual goals so I don’t think the term is so appropriate. Choosing to stay home with kids and work on the side is a worthwhile goal in my opinion. It’s not what I would choose but different strokes. FWIW however I think journalism degrees are probably the least marketable degree out there right now.
22 LivingAlmostLarge // Feb 22, 2009 at 10:14 am
Staying home with kids can be rougher than working! I know moms who work to escape their children. So it’s not an easy job.
Why I DON’T want to be a trophy wife | Fabulously Broke in the City - Sep 28, 2009
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