I just got through a visit from my parents. Always interesting, always tiring. So anyway my parents stayed with us and it was good. They visited me last year and I was surprised. First time in 4 years, and a repeat visit was unheard of. I think it was mostly due to my siblings moving and thus my parents were curious about where they lived now.
Anyway my parents can buy whatever they want. And because of this they are spoiled. I’m okay with their spending habits, but sometimes it can be excessive and out of control. My DH in particular can’t stand it when comes to food, but I think I’ll talk a little about guest etiquette.
I posted a few weeks ago why I don’t think it’s frugal to stay with friends or family. That it can be more expensive to treat them to meals out or buy food than just paying for a hotel. But I’d forgotten how expensive guests can be as well. Truth is it’s been colder where we live.
But my parents like all people from Hawaii refuse to wear clothes in the house. They want it to be 80+ in the house so they can walk around in shorts and a t-shirt in October. That it’s inappropriate to expect people to wear pants and a sweater in the house. I left the house at 72 and still my parents were trying to crank it up and complaining. I could live with that but honestly I was peeling off clothes in my own house because it was so warm.
But I then when my parents visited I remembered why I hate staying with people. They insisted on doing things “their” way. It had to be their way because they “paid” for it. Nevermind that I preferred they not. Like what?
Well my parents felt it was okay to stuff my refrigerator and pantry full of stuff they wanted to eat for 4 days because they bought it. I had pomegrante and apple juice in my fridge, but it wasn’t good enough, so my mom bought Orange juice. Nevermind we don’t drink orange juice, or that they wouldn’t finish it. My dad has to have orange juice and they could buy it so she did.
Second, I had whole wheat bread, whole grain cereal, and oatmeal in my pantry. My dad doesn’t eat whole grain breads (my mom does), but they had to buy white bread and sweet cereal for breakfast. Nevermind I had roasted chicken breast, my dad only eats Ham for breakfast, so again my mom bought ham. Nevermind, that I prefer to drink earl grey tea, dad drinks only green tea so again they bought it anyway. Nevermind I had apples and pears for fresh fruits. My dad only eats strawberries and melons, so my parents bought what they wanted and left the rest. I had open salad dressing of Balsamic Vinger and Fat Free Caesar, but they still bought French dressing and opened it. I had mixed salad greens, but my dad only eats iceberg lettuce so now I have a head of iceberg lettuce and no one wanted to eat my mixed greens.
This is the problem with “Affording” thing. You think you can buy whatever you want because you can afford it. But what about others? I realize this is a rant, but I am almost 30 years old and my parents ignore all of my wishes and basically will not compromise or try things I have. I seem like a Grinch, but try having parents whine and nag you to go to the store because they have to buy specifically items they want and specifically my mom says to me “I can afford it, so it’s not a huge deal.”
It drives my DH insane. That my parents come and complain about the toothpaste so they buy new toothpaste. The shampoo and body wash as well, so now I have more open stuff than before.
I am frustrated by this attitude of just because can afford it, then it’s okay to buy it. I think this mentality is part of the problem in the US. This I can do whatever I want because I have money. Yes you can afford the $1k heating bill, so turning up the heat to 85 is not a big deal. But what happened to conserving? Yes you can afford paper towels but is using cloth napkins and washing them so awful?
I sound like an awful kid, but honestly I am writing this because I couldn’t tell my parents no this is outrageous! I did say please put on more clothes, but my mom laughed and said we’re being cheap by leaving it colder. I broke down because I wanted peace for a few days.
So how do you deal with people who think it’s only money? And yes it’s only money, but it’s so stressful to see everything just left behind.
19 responses so far ↓
1 Kristy // Oct 29, 2008 at 9:24 am
I honestly don’t see the big deal about your parents buying groceries when they visit. People eat/drink certain things and that’s fine. As long as they are paying for it, who cares? My parents do this too, they think that we don’t have enough junk food in the house. When they come to visit they stop at the store and buy chips, cookies, candy, etc. It’s what they want, why should I care? I do try to eat the leftovers when my parents leave or I bring some of it into work so I don’t have to throw stuff away. My other parents buy stuff to grill when they come to visit and there is always leftovers, but I just eat them.
The entire country thinks it only money, you and I are rare in the fact that we know how to save and live frugally. Who am I to concern myself with how others live?
2 FrugalChick // Oct 29, 2008 at 9:38 am
My in-laws do this at their own home, and it drives me crazy. They buy SO MUCH food just because it looks good or the “big one was cheaper than the small one.” They then end up throwing out tons and tons of food because they could never possibly eat everything they have bought. I have seen my MIL throw out multiple bottles of salad dressing that had never even been opened because she bought so many big, different bottles they never even got to some of them. It can be very frustrating to watch.
3 Christina // Oct 29, 2008 at 10:31 am
We actually have this problem when my father-in-law comes to visit EXCEPT that we end up paying for 75% of the additional groceries he needs. He has to shop at a particular specialty store and buy all soy, organic and vegetarian products (even though he will eat dairy and non-organic foods if he wants them). The vegetables were have aren’t good enough nor is the pasta or canned tomatos. If it isn’t from this store, he doesn’t want to eat it. But we love having him to visit - we just always have to budget 2-4x our normal food budget for when he is in town.
4 Deanna // Oct 29, 2008 at 11:12 am
There are two things I can say here (from experience mind you).
#1. If your parents rarely visit, say, once a year, look at it as a gift that they are still alive, are vital enough they can still visit you. I am 43, both parents have passed away from tragic means and I’d give anything to turn my heat up to 85 for a week and eat things I might not like so much. Yes, they are acting entitled a little bit, but in the end, who’ll really care? 100 years from now who will care about juice, white bread, and sweet cereal? The answer, no one.
#2, You are a grown girl and you might have to grow up and act like one. This isn’t meant to be caustic toward you, I had to learn to do it too! In my case, it was my in laws (now ex in laws) but when they were my in laws, they were the rudest most insensitive people and only thought of themselves. I had to learn to speak up and very politely stand my ground. Worked like a CHARM when I finally mastered it!!!!
In the end, all you (and I) need to do is worry about controlling ourselves, trying to control o thers (for the better or worst) will only make thinks worse.
Happy Halloween!!
5 SP // Oct 29, 2008 at 12:01 pm
My parents do this too sometimes. My family left a bunch of Diet coke with me (i hate diet coke), and other things I generally don’t eat. I picked through what I might be interested in eating, offered my bf the rest, and tossed whatever we didn’t want.
I didn’t think it was a big deal.
6 Megan // Oct 29, 2008 at 12:31 pm
My ILs do this and it drives me nuts. I don’t mind that they buy stuff that we don’t, they want to eat it, but often they buy the bulk pack and leave it and it is just so wasteful to me - seriously, can’t you just live with it for the three days you are here? Or, they go out and buy the same bread that we have sitting in the pantry. I find that it is more frustrating because they wouldn’t do it if they were guests at a non-family member’s house, but because we’re their “kids” they can do whatever they want.
7 Pearl // Oct 29, 2008 at 1:21 pm
I’m with Deanna on this: Just wish my parents were still around to come bug me.
8 Pearl // Oct 29, 2008 at 1:34 pm
LAL, I’m sorry if this comment is unnecessarily alarmist, but - are your parents alright, healthwise?
When my father surprised me with several short visits in a row as he was “going through town on business” I asked him whether there was something going on. I actually meant with his business but his answer was, “Well, I’ve been diagnosed with a touch of cancer.” Through the miracles of modern medicine he survived another 12 years, during which our whole family grew much closer than it had ever been. I’m glad we had the time and the warning. So many people don’t.
Health and aging issues might also explain the need for a warmer environment.
I hope none of this applies to your parents, and that their quirks are just that - their quirks.
9 JustEloped // Oct 29, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Wow… that’s fun. I guess my family’s always been really easy-going as far as food and lodgings go. We do buy food when we’re at each others houses, but it’s usually treats and party food, stuff we share with the whole family and know will get eaten. I do understand how it’s totally wasteful in your situation, though, and bad for the environment… I do find it strange that they expected to use your toothpaste, though… that’s a little weird. And melons and strawberries are summer fruits, where I live they’ve all gone bad and are nasty-looking.
10 LivingAlmostLarge // Oct 29, 2008 at 6:44 pm
No, I think it bugs me because when they visit the other kids they never behave like this. They wouldn’t dare just waltz into the house and buy and do whatever they want. Mostly because it’s my mom and they have a different mom, so I know my MOM would kick my dad under the table if he whined about my brother or sister feeding him the bread they eat instead of eating what they want.
My parents are pretty healthy. I wish sometimes though my family would get that I don’t want to go through 4 open bottles of salad dressing after they leave. I don’t throw things away because of the guilt.
Deann, can’t do it. The guilt. It’s much like my DH and my in-laws. I pretend to be ill so I won’t deal with my MIL. She’s a good lady but sometimes.
I think this is why I prefer to visit them. Then I don’t have to deal with the craziness. By the way, I have to relax because when my grandma does it, it just doesn’t bug me as much. But maybe because my parents are double the amount.
11 fengshui // Oct 30, 2008 at 1:43 am
I guess that I am like your parents, where if I stay with someone, I always bring my own personal care items and “specialty foods” because I feel like I’m being “rude” if I use other people’s things, like shampoo, etc. I would think that it would be rude to stay with someone and eat all of their food and use their toiletries, etc. However, I see your point about them “wasting” money. But if they have it, why not spend it? I’ll never understand the type of people who scrimp and deny themselves things and then die with millions. I’ll never understand why people do that. I understand living frugally while on a fixed income, trying to pay off debt, but not when you’re very well off. ??
12 Christina // Oct 30, 2008 at 9:14 am
If your parents leave behind a lot of unopened food that you won’t consume (diet cokes, boxes of cereal, etc) you could always donate them to a local food bank or homeless shelter. We did this after a 4th of July party this year when we realized that we were never going to go through the enormous amount of food we bought. Just a thought!
13 Janet // Oct 30, 2008 at 10:23 am
I don’t see anything wrong with visitors buying food. It’s their money - if they want to waste it by leaving leftovers with you, I agree that they’re being wasteful and extravagant, but again - it’s their money. I wish that would happen to me: my visitors tend to come, eat all my food, and never contribute a dime to the expense.
I try - and fail more than I succeed - not to get worked up about how other people spend their money.
14 Stacey // Oct 30, 2008 at 1:09 pm
I have the same problem… Our lifestyle is so different than our parents’ that it’s like an invasion when they visit. My MIL brought an entire party (plastic plates, food for 50, drinks, plus 15 guests) to our house for my husband’s birthday, then left all the food with us.
It wasn’t the waste (ok, that bothered me a lot, too) or the fact that they showed up unannounced (”is it okay if the two of us stop by?” and then 15 come). This is OUR house, we’re not children, and you need to treat us with just a touch of respect. If someone did this to them, they would be furious. But we’re just kids, so it’s okay.
Our food pantry doesn’t accept opened items. We froze what we could, and packaged all the unusable items (wasteful one-time use silverware, plates, food we don’t eat like soda, ect.) for the MIL’s house with a polite note - “We don’t use these things, and didn’t want them to go to waste. Thanks for the party!”
Lesson learned: Give in and go to their house. Enjoy and leave.
15 LivingAlmostLarge // Oct 30, 2008 at 8:00 pm
I want flexibility in them. I would like them to not be so rigid and intractable. More reasonable that it’s not necessary to go shopping special. Sigh.
16 Hattie // Oct 30, 2008 at 9:38 pm
Well, I’m on the other side of this dispute. We are affluent, so when we come from Hawaii to Seattle to visit our kids we pay for everything. And just to put the cap on it, we bought a condo near them so we don’t have to stay in a crowded house with my daughter, partner, and kids. Not only that, but my daughter’s partner, who works from home, can use our place we aren’t there. It’s quiet and has wi-fi.
It’s true, some of us over 65 have done very well, thanks to all kinds of perks you younger folks didn’t get (practically free higher educations, for instance), so we believe in spreading the wealth, at least to our families.
We’re damn near perfect, I guess. Now why don’t my daughters see that??
17 LAL // Nov 1, 2008 at 10:31 am
Darn, I like that idea. Spread the wealth.
18 Miss Thrifty // Nov 3, 2008 at 9:59 am
My mum and stepdad are EXACTLY the same. I quite like it though. Last time they came to visit, they brought carrier bags of food and drink with them; they left me with a fridge full of bursting with expensive things that I would never normally buy. And a bottle of Tia Maria. I’m not complaining!
Mind you, my grandparents take it to a new level. They came to visit me last year and brought their…. own cups, saucers and teapot! I thought that was sweet though. They left the teapot behind, for next time.
19 LivingAlmostLarge // Nov 3, 2008 at 12:11 pm
I shouldn’t agree but yes my parents bought a specific teapot as well because they didn’t like mine. They didn’t like the one I had. Sigh.
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