How do you choose a stay at home parent? Is it solely based on the income of each parent? Or is it based on who want stay at home?
I think female bloggers constantly write about this because they are torn between wanting to stay at home or work. There is no easy decision. If you chose to work, then you are labelled an uncaring mom. If you stay at home, you are labelled as lazy, unmotivated leech on your husband. There doesn’t seem to be a winning side or solution.
But I have heard something from a lot of women lately. They stay at home because it’s more the “norm” rather than their husbands who are the lower wage earners. This sort of made me gape, because honestly, I have no problems with a parent staying at home. BUT shouldn’t it be based on who earns less rather than just gender?
Shouldn’t the decision be purely financial? That you make $50k but your partner makes $100k so the $50k person stays at home? That the greater potential earner should be out working?I know wives who are doctors, lawyers, stay at home with kids when their husbands are not working at as high paying jobs. I have to wonder why financially? If it’s important to stay at home, shouldn’t finances be the deciding factor in who stays at home?
Isn’t a man a good enough parent? Or is a father not considered an adequate caregiver? It’s already a huge financial sacrifice to give up one income, but why do people compound it by choosing a stay at home parent based on gender instead of income and benefits?
Or do people pick a stay at home parent solely based on who earns less or who has lesser benefits? I realize that working split shifts is the “optimum” solution, but sometimes it’s not always easy or doable.
6 responses so far ↓
1 dogatemyfinances // Oct 9, 2008 at 9:22 am
I think it should be based on neither finances nor gender.
I think it should be who WANTS to stay home which (generalizing here) is more often women. Whether that’s tied to norms, well, I think it’s safe to say it is.
Obviously, it’s tied to practical concerns like money. I also think men can be judged very harshly for staying at home.
2 Kristy // Oct 9, 2008 at 10:42 am
I think there are alot of issues regarding a stay at home parent. It is not just income, but benefits as well. I am a working mom who makes more than my husband by double and who has the health insurance for the family. It would be impractical and irresponsible for me to stay at home. That does not mean that I am an uncaring mom. I care so much that I work to provide for my family. Could DH stay home? Sure, he could. But then we wouldn’t have enough for our retirement accounts, college education for the kids, vacations or anything extra. For us, we both choose to work to provide for the family now and in the future.
I want to add that I do enjoy my job and that I would be working even if I didn’t have the insurance. In saying that, my job provides me with a lot of flexibility that not everyone has and I am very thankful for that.
3 fengshui // Oct 9, 2008 at 12:17 pm
I’m right there with Kristy. DH and I are in the same position. I make more and am the benefits carrier. We did decide that we would have him be the SAHD for one year, and he would also go to school FT, since many of his classes are on line or only once per week. Then after he is done with school, then his mom would care for our baby while we both work. I may decide to cut back my hours to 32 from 40 once he goes back to work. I’m not sure yet. One of the biggest reasons for DH needing to return back to work after a year is to helpfund retirment accounts. We started saving later in life than most people (29 verses 22). I also think that the idea of SAHD is slowly gaining the respect that it deserves.
4 LivingAlmostLarge // Oct 9, 2008 at 9:15 pm
Funny I know a doctor whose husband works not making as much money and she’s decided to stay at home though she carries better benefits and makes more money. I guess her husband doesn’t want to stay at home, but they want someone to stay at home with their child, so she’ll give up her position.
5 Kristy // Oct 10, 2008 at 5:08 am
My opinion is that its best to do what works for your family. This is what works for mine and I really could care less about what everyone else does.
6 MoneyGrubbingLawyer // Oct 10, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Another factor to consider is the impact of staying at home for a few years will impact future career opportunities. A doctor will always be highly employable, but someone working in a field where networking and keeping up on changing skills may have a more difficult time, In a case like that, it may not be a question of money, but of longterm impact.
I think another big factor that keeps many dads from staying at home is the fact that it is less acceptable for men to do so, both socially and in the eyes of employers. For women, it is an acceptable option, but for many men it involves quite a bit of stigma.
Leave a Comment