Is money a “dealbreaker” in relationship? If you meet a great person and found out after a few months of dating, they had massive student loans, some credit card debt, and a car loan; is that a deal breaker? Would you run for the hills or stick around?
It was an interesting question posed on a message board I read. But currently two of my friends are dating men with debt. Yep and lots of baggage from exs and kids and debt! So should these be deal breakers?
I don’t think that money/debt itself should be a deal breaker. A lot of people, actually I would say most people, make financial mistakes in their lifetime. So it’s not necessary that you have to be “perfect” with regards to finances and have never accrued debt.
Personally I wouldn’t end a relationship over debt. However what’s more important is how these people view debt. Whether they are paying off the debt or are willing to pay off debt once they learn how important it is to you. The real determint in a relationship is ”do we as a couple can have compatible future goals?”
I would be very supportive of someone who is dealing with their debt or willing to deal with it. Kicking someone to the curb just because they made mistakes in the past, I feel isn’t the way to handle a potentially otherwise great relationship.
But for many oppposing views such as “you’ll always have debt, why save for the future,” those fundamentals would be deal breakers. Also hiding debt and misleading a person about their financial situation would be deal breakers. This is usually a sign of mistrust.
Nowdays it seems to difficult to find a compatible match, that I have to wonder if using money as a “dealbreaker” doesn’t unnecessarily weed out potentially great matches?
10 responses so far ↓
1 dogatemyfinances // Sep 4, 2008 at 9:24 am
Actually, yea, I feel like it might be a big deal. Fiance & I are in our 20s. When we met, we had some debt and it didn’t seem like a big deal.
But I feel like by the time you are in your 30s, you should have it together. Maybe some student loan debt, but not serious loads of debt. That (well, and exes and child support!) sounds like a whole lot of baggage to my 20s mindset.
2 kit // Sep 4, 2008 at 10:19 am
This would be a tough one for me. If he had accrued the debt beforehand and was in the process of cleaning it up, I would probably not care. If he either started going into debt or continued after the start of the relationship I would get seriously irked.
One comparison I can make for my own feelings on this is that I would never date a guy with kids. Finding that out while having a conversation with a man is perhaps the biggest personal turn-off I can think of, and I wouldn’t feel bad about turning tail and leaving. Unlike debt, though, you can’t change the fact that he has kids so there’s really no potential for him in the future.
3 Livingalmostlarge // Sep 4, 2008 at 10:26 am
One would argue that there are less men in their 30s without kids. I have not a clue about that statistic. However, yes children are a deal breaker but an obvious one.
If you don’t want children from a previous marriage it’s definitely obvious.
But debt? Less obvious dealbreaker and where to draw the line.
4 Ashley @ Wide Open Wallet // Sep 4, 2008 at 11:19 am
I wouldn’t care that he had debt as long as he was working to get out of it Like you said, it would be more about his current mindset about it. My husband had quite a bit of debt when I met him, but very little of it was credit card debt and when I let him know that it was a priority to get rid of it he did within a few months.
5 FruGal // Sep 4, 2008 at 11:48 am
It wouldn’t bother me, as long as he was open and honest about it and was working on a plan to sort it out (or open to being given advice and help to sort it out). The real deal-breaker for me would be discovering that my partner was in debt after trying to hide it, or worse, racking it up in secret during the relationship. To me that is a deceit, and one that I don’t think I could forgive.
6 BTGNow.net // Sep 4, 2008 at 11:45 pm
Oh yeah, that’s a dealbreaker.
it’s more forgivable if, as FruGal says, your partner is open, honest, sincere and CONSISTENT in their quest to conquer their debt. Hiding it, or being inconsistent in repayment are huge warning signs.
You can check out how stringly I feel about consistency in one’s finances here:
http://www.btgnow.net/2008/08/consistency-good-for-your-health-and-your-money/
Absolutely do not get married before the debt issue is resolved, though. The wedding will cost money, and personally I’d only be comfortable legally associating myself with someone else and their finances AFTER all the debts are paid off, free and clear.
Of course, all this also applies to the other patner! What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, after all!
http://www.btgnow.net
7 Meg // Sep 6, 2008 at 1:34 am
Money values and habits are ingrained young and are very difficult to overcome. If somebody racked up huge consumer debts it’s not the debt itself that would be the dealbreaker - it’s that the person racked it up in the first place.
People with lots of debt are almost guaranteed to stay in debt for most of their lives based on some recent studies. And no matter how much they may profess the desire to overcome their spendy credit-accepting ways, it is unlikely they ever will (I’ve learned this the hard way).
Besides, those who get used to having lots of debt are likely to want to spend as soon as they ever DO manage to pay off a card or have 5K in the bank “because we can afford it.” If you are a saver that is a repetitive argument you’d do well to avoid from the get-go.
8 Tim // Sep 6, 2008 at 8:45 am
I agree that debt in of itself isn’t a dealbreaker. It is how the person views debt, finances, and whether he/she has not only the willingness to get out of debt, but has behaviorally moved forward with getting out of and staying out of debt. Actions speak more than words.
9 SP // Sep 6, 2008 at 6:58 pm
I disagree that people can’t change their attitude about money. I wouldn’t ever want to be with someone who had debt and didn’t think it was a big priority to get out of it. People are allowed a screw up, particularly when they are in their 20s and young.
This is hard to say. I think life is much much easier for a couple if you are financially on the same page.
10 LivingAlmostLarge // Sep 6, 2008 at 7:52 pm
I think that people can change their attitude about money. Otherwise financial gurus wouldn’t be making money!
Leave a Comment