This is a very strange etiquette post and finance post in one. So how do you save on a wedding gift? Don’t give one! Are you obligated to give a gift to the couple? What happens if you don’t?
Our roommate went to a wedding memorial day and didn’t give the couple a gift. And yes they were pretty close friends. So anyway last night he mentions he hasn’t yet given them a gift because he might be seeing them this weekend.
So he’s wondering is it too late to give them a present? Should he just give them cash? And if so, is it rude to hand it to them 2 months late? How late is too late for a wedding present? And what happens if you never give the couple a gift?
Want to know the BIGGEST IRONY? He never gave DH and I a wedding gift. He was the best man in the wedding and never gave us a gift ever. We’ve been married coming up on 3 years, and he totally forgot. Trust me when he brought up not giving a gift to this couple, it rubbed my DH a bit raw. He didn’t mention it but I could see him steaming a little. They’ve been best friends since elementary school and I think he feels slighted in the roomie is remembering to gift this other couple.
But I had to laugh, and it made me feel A LOT better knowing we’re not the only couple he never gave a gift too. Is this weird?
But how to save on a wedding gift? Don’t give one. But be prepared that potentially the couple could remember…
9 responses so far ↓
1 LJK @ onthehomefront // Jul 29, 2008 at 7:27 pm
I don’t think it’s really ever too late to give a wedding gift. 2 months late isn’t really ‘late’ anyway. Or just don’t give one- which I can understand if you went to the wedding and had to travel from a distance. Getting married isn’t about the gift.
2 Jill // Jul 30, 2008 at 4:03 am
He isn’t late; etiquette is to give wedding gifts up to a year after the wedding.
Of course, that’s not the real issue here at all!
3 georgia // Jul 30, 2008 at 9:03 am
My fiance and I very kindly thank the couple being married for being invited to their wedding. We show our total love and support. Then, if it’s a destination wedding (i.e. requires a flight, hotel room, eating out) we gently let them know that our being there is our gift. However, for anyone having a wedding that does not require a flight, etc. then they receive a shower and wedding gift.
Most recently, we were in the midst of closing on our first home. This coincided with a couple’s engagement shower. We could only afford to give them an $11 tomato slicer from Williams and Sonoma, where they registered. (It was that or Pottery Barn, no Macy’s or Kohl’s.) They graciously sent us a thank you card which actually made us feel horrible. We thought it would have been worse to go empty handed but going token was worse. Now that we are closed and have a better idea of our new budget we were able to get them a follow up present. Still under a $100 though since we have to travel to Rhode Island in September for their wedding.
In the end, I think it’s unfair of couples to expect or demand gifts.
4 #1HB4DB // Jul 30, 2008 at 9:35 am
Whenever I’m spending $$$ on flights, taxis, hotels, and food for wedding travel, I always wonder if the bride and groom would rather have a check written to them for the same amount, or to have me at the wedding! I still give a gift, but will maybe spend $50 instead of $150. And even though I know that couples love cash, I still prefer to buy a gift, rather than put a specific number on the value of our friendship. Even if the gift costs less than what I might write in a check, at least I have put my time and thought into it and hopefully that compensates me for spending less money.
5 Livingalmostlarge // Jul 30, 2008 at 10:47 am
Wow a lot of people assume weddings are all destination weddings! Or maybe everyone wedding is a destination wedding!
I always give a gift I would have given whether or not I travel. I know if I’m travelling they are important family or friends. I won’t go to a wedding I am not super close to. There isn’t a point to just go to anyone’s wedding for that amount of money.
So it’s a pretty hefty gift because they are very close friends or family.
Also, this particular wedding was in the same city, hence he can see the couple for dinner? It’s not like it was a big destination wedding, most I think are like this. Just people you know from school or work in the same city you live in.
A year, I’ll remind him in a year he never gave them a present. I bought them something small because we didn’t go to the wedding off their registry. We went away for the weekend instead for my birthday, so we gave them a small $20 gift. And I still haven’t gotten a thank you note.
6 Kristy // Jul 30, 2008 at 11:57 am
I have 3 weddings to go to this fall. Two of which I need to drive at least 2 1/2 hours to get there. Not only that, but the brides are having the bacholerette party and bridal shower on different weekends (which I think is inconsiderate when you have many that will be traveling). However, despite all of the traveling, hotel rooms, etc. and the fact that I am in the one wedding, we will spend money on a gift or give cash.
7 devil // Jul 30, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Yeah, he should definitely hand them cash or something. The only reason people have weddings is to get gifts out of people.
How could he not know this?
8 MP - The Morphine Princess // Jul 31, 2008 at 1:09 am
According to Emily Post, Miss Manners, etc., a gift for a wedding can be given up to one year following the bid day.
If I travel to a destination wedding (i.e., I have one to the Bahamas in a couple of months) then the gift is my love, support and attendance.
Personally, I never expect a member of the wedding party to provide a gift - if they are shelling out $$ for the clothing and responsibilities, plus assorted parties and events, then consider your wedding party’s attendance, support as gift enough.
When I was married to my ex we were in a destination wedding where he was one of the groomsmen. We shelled out a huge amount of $$ in pre-wedding activities, travel expenses, groomsmen tux rental(my husband did own his own tux, but the bride wanted everything a “certain way.”), bridal shower and other events.
We went in on a “group” gift with two other groomsmen and their wives - it was one of those HUGE backyard BBQs that cost just under $3,000 - I know because I wrote the check for our portion of the gift ($1,000). All told, we spent close to $4,000 on the gift and expenses to this wedding….. which was fine - it was his best friend and the memories are priceless. (My ex worked on Wall Street.)
One rule - don’t go broke or in debt to purchase a gift. 50% of marriages end in divorce. Rather, wish them well and hope that you’ll be giving their children gifts in the many years to come - which is what I do.
9 frugal zeitgeist // Jul 31, 2008 at 11:49 pm
Reminds me of the regifted ice bucket complete with congratulations card addressed to the happy couple at their wedding eleven years earlier. It came to me a year and a half after the wedding (after the marriage had already collapsed) from a guest that RSVP-ed yes for himself and his wife and then neither of them showed. Good times.
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