A woman asked the question, if she and her husband had agreed to be in a friend’s wedding party, how late is too late to back out?
We’re supposed to attend an out of state wedding for friends in a few months. These are very very close friends of my DH and I’ve known them for the past few years. We’re part of the wedding party and I already have the dress (although not yet tailored). My problem is that I’ve estimated the cost of attending to be between $800-$1000 for both of us.
We’re not rolling in dough. In fact, my DH has been out of work for over a month and doesn’t start working until the second week of July. We’ve partially lived off our savings for the past month because my paycheck isn’t quite enough to cover the costs of everything.
We don’t have the money in cash to pay for this trip so we’re relying on the stimulus rebate to pay for it even though we haven’t received that yet. I had originally planned on using the stimulus check to repay credit card debt (it would pay off one credit card completely) and am finding it really hard to accept “wasting it” on a weekend trip for someone’s wedding.
Part of it is that I have no vested interest in going. I’ve already told him that he can go on his own since these people are friends of his from college but that it would make more financial sense for me to stay home. He’s not happy with that because he wants me to attend although he understands where that makes sense. I’ve already stated that we will absolutely NOT put the charges on any credit card.
Am I being too harsh? Should we spend the stimulus check on the trip and not worry about? I really think I’d feel hugely guilty for several months if I did that, but I know this means to much to DH. 
I would have been extremely upset as a bride, but is there a time frame? I think that people should not accept to be in a wedding party if they think it’s too expensive. I also think it’s fine to not show up to a wedding if it’s too expensive, however, when you agree to be in the wedding party it’s basically a contract to show up. It’s a very different story if they weren’t part of the wedding party.
What’s the proper etiquette and what potential repercussions are to be had if you decide to not show up? And does it matter if you are part of the wedding party? What would you do?
Forgot to mention they were asked over 1 year ago to be in the wedding party (both husband and wife) and it’s 2 months to the wedding. They have their wedding clothes as well but not tailored yet.
8 responses so far ↓
1 Todd the Bod // Jun 30, 2008 at 12:47 am
I think it’s completely acceptable for him to go and her to stay home. Sounds like a good compromise and a smart decision.
2 dogatemyfinances // Jun 30, 2008 at 9:45 am
This conversation is months too late. If she already has the dress, it will be hard and AWKWARD to replace her in the wedding party, and that is what the bride will remember. (Uh, Cousin Sally, are you a size 8? Want to be in my wedding?)
If you are in the wedding party, you are not a guest of a dear friend. That bride has told you that you are incredibly important part of the wedding. Maybe that’s wrong and she has no friends. But that should have been discussed months ago. Too late now. I can’t even imagine how hurt I would be if a bridesmaid bailed on me.
3 Livingalmostlarge // Jun 30, 2008 at 10:15 am
Tod they both are part of the wedding party, not just her husband, in case it wasn’t clear.
4 Janel // Jun 30, 2008 at 2:05 pm
My answer is: it depends.
If the wedding has been in the works for 12-18 months and you agreed to be in it a year ago, yes, it’s too probably late to back out without very hard feelings.
If this is a whirlwind wedding that will only be 3-4 months from engagement to wedding, you were just asked last week and the dress was purchased shortly after, you can probably bow out with a reasonable explanation - and send a really great gift!
It also depends on how friendly these friends are. Almost any girlfriend of mine would understand if I sat down and explained to her the $$ problems we were going through. Some folks aren’t so understanding.
5 Meg // Jun 30, 2008 at 5:39 pm
They have to either both go or both not go I think. They are a couple and were invited as a couple and are in the wedding party as a couple. They should attend or decline as a couple.
And they should probably both go since
A) they’ve committed to it and already have their clothes and its only a few months away and
B) DH is “very very” close to the couple and would probably hold it against you for a long time for preventing him from going. The money saved won’t be worth the relationship suffering.
C) Since they are both in the wedding party it will be extremelly annoying (maybe impossible) to find one extra female to replace the wife if she doesn’t go. On the other hand it may not be difficult to just lop off both of them the list and then still have an equal number of groomsmen and bridesmaids.
D) Plus it’s kind of impluasible to use the “we can’t afford it so only DH is going” excuse, since that will hardly cut the cost (unless DH can shack up with some other single groomsman or something and avoid a hotel room expense).
As to the general question of “how late is too late to back out” I think it depends on how long ago they agreed to be in it. If they already have their wedding clothes that indicates it has probably been at least several months which is too long, in my opinion.
Just dip into savings, consider it your vacation for a year (or two), and cut where you can to make up for it elsewhere.
6 Livingalmostlarge // Jun 30, 2008 at 11:11 pm
Guess I should add they were asked over 1 year ago according to the woman. The wedding is in 2 months. So it’s been awhile in the planning, hence why they have their clothes.
7 devil // Jul 1, 2008 at 1:24 pm
The wedding’s in two months and they’ve known for over a year? It’s MUCH too late to cancel now. They could have been saving money for this event for the year they’ve known about it. Then they’d be prepared for the wedding duty even after a layoff.
If the wife feels no “vested interest” in attending now, why did she agree to this obligation last year? Some people need to learn to say no graciously.
I think it would be terribly rude to back out at this late date. And, no, sending the husband solo is NOT acceptable.
8 Fabulously Broke // Jul 3, 2008 at 7:41 am
Sending hubby solo = not acceptable
It is kind of rude to back out with 2 months to go when she had agreed a year ago
But if they are REALLY in financial straits, they can come clean and say: look we can’t afford it when we thought we could because he lost his job etc
Ultimately, if it means more to husband and he wants to go - she shouldn’t take her emotions into account because it’s HIS friends and if it were the reverse she may have made the decision to go instead of waffling between going/staying
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