Have you ever thought how’d you broach the topic of money, wills, and death with your parents? How does one even bring it up? And is there an age when you should start talking about it?
I was contemplating this because one of my grandmother’s sisters, has recently downsized and moved into a condo near to her doctor’s and hospital. She said it was time, she’s in her 60s, unmarried, though she lives with her partner and has for 40+ years. Anyway I called to congratulate her, and she says that her and her partner really need to settle their affairs. She said she was very worried about what would happen if someone died.
And I got to thinking when my grandfather died, he left no directives, no money, and no wishes. So I think he died in a manner which he would not have appreciated. And there were a few hard feelings between my grandmother and my grandfather’s family over his cremation.
So the question is how do you broach death? And what topics do you need to bring up?
I know a will obviously. But also directives I think for life support or not is essential. I also think how you want to be buried or cremated essential. Otherwise in both cases there can be conflicting opinions of how long to sustain life and how to bury someone.
I’ve tried multiple times in the last year since my mom retired to broach the subject. And every time she’s said she’s too busy in retirement to see the lawyer and really tell what she wants for her and my dad. I just want her honesty, I don’t need to know how much money she has, but I want her to say she’s put down what she really wants.
I find it harder because we live so far apart, 6k miles, that if an emergency occured I would not be able to make immediate decisions or see them. And I would feel more comfortable if they would tell me what they wanted and not having to guess or hope they wrote it down somewhere.
Truth is that having “the talk” is difficult. It would be lovely if my parents even told me where they bank, but I know that’s too much information. I’d live with knowing they have a will, a last minute directives, and burial plans.
Have you broached the topic? And if so how?
5 responses so far ↓
1 Jim ~ mydebtblog.com // Jun 20, 2008 at 5:30 pm
My mom is a cancer survivor so the topic was brought up back when I was in high school when she found out. I guess they have a trust that they have put all their assets into it. When both of my parents are gone I will have full access to it, as far as I am told. They have life insurance, will, and all that stuff setup. My parents are not that old yet though, one is just over 50 now, so long term care hasn’t been brought up yet. Life is finite and eventually we will expire, so it’s best to have a plan when that day comes. I’ve got some of our stuff setup already but there are some other things I would like to do too. Going back to the Terri Schiavo case, I want to have a DNR in place because if you’re brain dead you’re gone. Mortality is an interesting topic, that’s why you should always remind yourself today is the first day of the rest of your life.
2 MP - The Morphine Princess // Jun 21, 2008 at 4:02 am
My father had his first heart attack when I was in my early teens - since that time my family had open and frank discussions regarding wills, finances, estate and funeral planning.
At no time did we children not know or understand what our parents’ wishes were. Many years later - after I had graduated from college, my parents established a family trust so we could avoid probate. At the time the trust was established, there were the living wills, DNRs, pour-over-wills, and Power of Attorneys. Two children (my oldest sister and me) knew at all times the location of assets and where money was deposited, how much money there was, safe deposit box locations with sign-in capabilities.
Dying is very easy for the person who dies - it is difficult for those who survive and need to take care of all the paperwork. When Dad died 2.5 years ago, it was my mom and I who took care of the paperwork with the social security admin, his former employers for his pensions, the banks, etc. In all, it took about six weeks. Mom died on March 28 of this year - my sister and I are liquidating the estate according to the terms of the family trust - it is very easy - with the exception of Washington Mutual. If you have a family member with a terminal illness, have them remove their $$ prior to passing away because WAMU thinks it becomes their money and has trouble parting with it!
You are correct, mortality is an interesting topic. I was faced with it five years ago when diagnosed with a rare ovarian tumor. The gynocologic oncologist told me that his focus was to save my life and that I may never be pain free. At the time, we prepared for the worst and I went through the necessary steps with a will, DNR, power of attorney, etc., etc. Of the possible scenerios, I had a best case outcome. But I still struggle daily.
I had a troubling CAT scan last fall and am now taking morphine which has rendered me incapable of driving and a significant loss of specific cognitive skills (mostly having to do with math and numbers). As a result, I am not able to work and am now living on savings as I prepare to apply for long term disability. It is a strange place I find myself and invite you to read my blog and provide me with any ideas, insight, comments or wisdom you or anyone else may have for me and my journey.
3 frugal zeitgeist // Jun 21, 2008 at 5:48 pm
Oh heck yeah - my parents made it clear early on that they wanted to be cremated without a service; I think I was about 12 when they put that one on the table. We started talking about estate planning and end of life issues later, when I was in my early 20’s, I think. I don’t remember how I broached the subject (probably just threw it out there), but I think one good way to do it is along the lines of “Mom/Dad, I’ve been planning my estate in case anything happens to me and I want to talk through what I’ve come up with so far.” Expressing that sort of openness with your own affairs is likely to lead naturally into a similar conversation about your parents’ planning.
I can’t stress how important it is to have these conversations. When my dad died three months ago, my sibling and I were well prepared to jump in and help my mom. I ask her at least once a month how her investments are doing and whether she needs any money, too. So far, her income has been more than enough, but I want to make sure it stays that way.
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