How do you define frugality or stingyness? Is there a difference between the two lifestyles? And how does one define it?
I’ve discussed this before, and my line in the sand was defined by Mary Hunt and Liz Weston, when they said in this article ”Stingyness it’s when you force others to live your frugal lifestyle.” And I honestly believe that.
I realized that I’m frugal because DH and I turned off the heat in our house a month ago. We’re okay wearing sweaters and using blankets. However, my family (from Hawaii), visited first week of May and found it way to cold. They were unused to having to wear a sweater and uncomfortable. So we turned back on the heat to 68. They wanted it 72+, but I explained it was bad for the environment and they agreed.
The essence of that act defined it for me. A stingy action would have been to tell them sorry, we don’t use the heat anymore, please wear more clothes and more blankets. Then I would have been cheap. Frugal was turning on the heat, but keeping it a reasonable level $$ and environmentally. I also gave my family the reuseable grocery bags to take home. For some reason in Hawaii they are not environmentally conscious at all. Everyone there just throws things away, there is no recycling.
Anyway, while I did force them to live my frugal lifestyle by wearing clothes in my house (they usually wear a shorts and t-shirt at home, not jeans and a sweater). I did also compromise. They wanted to eat lobster, but it’s ridiculous at a restaurant, so we got it from the supermarket and ate it at home. We made steaks as well at home. Sure it wasn’t cheap meals but substantially less than eating out.
I didn’t limit their shower time, but encouraged them to space their showers out because we have a limited hot water tank. And it takes 30 minutes to reheat. So this way they could all have long, hot showers if they choose, as long as they spaced it out. A cheap action would have been saying “you’re limited to 10 minutes each.”
Or buying wine for them to drink but limiting them to one glass or bottle of beer. Or limiting them to eating only a certain amount because you only bought a limited amount of food. I think that’s the line of frugality and stingyness. It’s when you start to impose your lifestyle on others without consideration.
In case people think this is doesn’t happen, yes it does. I hate going to visit my in-laws because I am always limited on what I eat or drink, because they have a specific portion and that’s it. By the way, they are ultra-thin (BMI = 18 maybe), and so most people would starve on their portion controls. I am borderline overweight, but I work out a lot, and I’m always hungry. So is my BIL, hence when he goes home, he’ll go to the store and buy food to leave in his bedroom. DH and I usually go out to eat after dinner because we’re starving. They aren’t bad people, they just are very rigid about their lifestyle. I also get limited shower time, napkins, etc.
How do you define frugality versus cheapness? Is it imposing limitations on your guests?
12 responses so far ↓
1 JB // May 19, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Limited napkins!? That’s awesome! I’ve never heard of such a thing.
However, I do think you have to draw the line somewhere… just because someone likes to eat lobster and steak everyday doesn’t mean you should have to feed it to them while their visiting. If they’re willing to chip in to buy the food then I might consider it… but still only if my portion fit into my budget!
2 devil // May 19, 2008 at 5:47 pm
I think you struck a nice balance between your needs and theirs. They’re not in Hawaii anymore - they need to wear more than beach attire in the house. But you didn’t make them wear parkas, either.
Visiting the in-laws is never easy, is it? Mine would serve plenty of food, but it was always stuff I hated (and I’m not that picky). So, I’d go hungry anyway. My choice.
If I only got limited napkins, I’d bring my own. If I got limited shower time, I’d stay in a hotel. Enough is enough.
3 LivingAlmostLarge // May 19, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Understand that this was a vacation and lobster is fresh from Maine. It tastes different and I think of it as an experience. So I have no issues with it. I think of it part of “hosting”.
However, visiting the in-laws, um, well I can’t just stay in a hotel. DH never thought it was weird to live like that, until I visited for the first time. Then when I mentioned how I’d love to have more to eat, something to drink not coke (water, juice, anything), and more hot water (his parents turn it off so if you are last you are SOL), then he made a few mentions.
Sometimes people don’t even realize they are doing it like my in-laws. They turned back on the water heater so everyone could have a hot shower in the middle WINTER! It’s canada and it’s COLD!
4 cinzea // May 19, 2008 at 9:16 pm
If people are doing the best they can and afford, I have no problem with that. I respect that. It is not a question of frugal or stingy. If I visit a person in the depths of Honduras, and they open their home to me and serve me the vary same food they eat and the very same floor they sleep on, I respect and appreciate that.
However, if I go to someone’s home who can easily afford lobsters and they serve me dog food, that person is just downright cheap and incosiderate! And I would never go back ever again.
When I visit my in laws, I know they are doing the best they can and are sharing with me the best they can reasonably afford. If the house is cold, I wear a sweater. If they serve me rice and beans and just one glass of wine, then so be it. I respect them regardless.
5 LivingAlmostLarge // May 19, 2008 at 9:38 pm
LOL, I mention their weights because they are thin. And they would not feed you if you weighed a bit more, you’d lose weight by the end of the visit. They are just people who wouldn’t think that people should eat more, there are portions and that’s it. My MIL is a good person, but she measures out each portion and decides exactly what you will eat period. Food is not supposed to be well indulged. Everyone in the US should live by their methods and we’d all be super thin.
Just like with napkins or showers. There is a lifestyle choice. I’m used to it, and I get them. They are not poor or broke just different. It’s just well luxurious to take a shower longer than 5-10 minutes.
6 Meg // May 20, 2008 at 3:01 am
Ha! I can’t imagine food portions being limited at any family event or get-together. I’ve never even heard of such a thing! Both sides of my family love to eat and LOVE to feed others, and it is all you can eat all the time. NOT good for thinness, but great for, well, slothfulness I guess.
Luckily I/we don’t eat that way all the time, but family time is definitely eating and relaxing time!
I’m similarly unfamiliar with the concept of limiting things like napkins and hot water. I can totally understand living that way yourself, but I can’t imagine imposing such restrictions on others - even if others shared my lifestyle I’d still be encouraging them to indulge while I was hostess.
7 Livingalmostlarge // May 20, 2008 at 4:43 am
Meg, this is why DH probably considers my family slothful. Sigh we eat and love to eat, and celebrate and have a good time.
My mom still mentinos DH’s graduation dinner where we had 1 bottle of wine for 8 people. Sigh. To “overindulge” would have been a sin. A frugality (cheapness).
8 Barb1954 // May 20, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Regarding short showers, my mom always reminds me that they have a septic system. I prefer showers that last 20 minutes but, since I don’t want to flood their system, I need to keep them shorter at their house.
9 Jim ~ mydebtblog.com // May 20, 2008 at 9:55 pm
I think if you’re visiting someone elses house you should respect and be consciouentious towards one another. Taking long showers when others are waiting isn’t being considerate. Certain types of food and differences in weather should be expected if you go somewhere out of your norm. I remember when some misionaries came to visit from Africa, mid 70s was freezing to them.
There’s always resturaunts and hotels you can resort to if where you’re going becomes an issue. I’m not a smoker and don’t like to go or stay over at places where people who do live. It’s their choice to smoke and mine to opt not to.
10 LivingAlmostLarge // May 21, 2008 at 1:14 am
LOL, I like how people comment taking long showers is a bad thing. Considering I can take a 5 minute shower, it’s fine. But my in-laws turn off the water heater except for a few hours. Unfortunately that sort of limited the time of showers meaning basically before DH and I got home from going out. And no showers in the morning (which my DH prefers). So he asked them to turn it on. And if they didn’t we’d stay in a hotel, but they’d be upset. So I’d just like a shower, but I could stand it cold. Besides they basically wanted 5 people on a one tank.
And why I asked my family to put on some clothes. Wearing jeans and a sweatshirt is hardly a compromise. My DH, roomie, and cousin living in DC walked about in t-shirts and shorts.
12 Chicky Finance // Jun 3, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Ohh my I totally understand what you are saying. Last fall we went to my brother in law’s house. Whole stay they were worry about how much electricty and water we used. Even though I really like them, I dont think I will stay in their house very loooong time. By the way, I thought getting revenge from them when they come to our house. But you know what? I couldnt they came to our place and lived like king and queen. I am just not that type of person.
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