A question was asked here on Savings Advice about “how much do you make?”  The question was asked because why are Americans so afraid of asking each other what we make.  Unlike other countries, where everyone is very open and shares their salaries. 

I’ve posted in the thread if you read through it and one particular poster rubs me the wrong way Syracusa.  In response to her questioning if it’s defensive and mystery, another poster suggested it’s due to minding your own beeswax.  Something I tend to agree.   If it helps remember she’s European so they are um different.

Syracusa writes

My reasons for sometimes being curious about other people’s income is very similar to yours. It has nothing to do with any financial voyeurism, envy or Lord knows what…it is simply because I have become a bit puzzled about some issues related to neighborhoods, schools, types of people in the US ands their money philosophy.

Little illustrative story:
Recently my husband and I visited some neighborhoods in an area that we are looking to move once our current place is sold. This would be a suburban area, considered …nice, closer to my future workplace (a university). I believe it has even been named at some point one of the top 10 places in the US to raise a family. (Whatever). We had a very clear idea about how much house we can afford in that area on our 108,000 income and on a budget that would allow us to continue to save for kids’ colleges, retirement, annual trip to Europe (my family is there) and other stuff.
After inspecting the neighborhoods and looking at the houses in our price range…I got a weird feeling that my neighbors would not necessarily be the type of people that I would relate to very well. I have never cared about how much money a person makes because this is not one of my criteria for associating or not associationg with a given person; but I do care A LOT about the inherent quality of the people around me. Those places, albeit with nice houses, larger and more comfortable than a typical European is used to anyway…seemed to house…well…MEDIOCRE to SUB-MEDIOCRE types.

I saw more pick-up trucks and less-than-intelligent faces in those neighborhoods than I wanted to admit, definitely not the kind of people I would die to go talk to or get to know. There was nothing inherently wrong with them (many would accuse me of being a difficult snob, sure…but I’ve moved on long time ago from this kind of discussions) ; the subdivisions looked nice…but the faces and the “neighborhood culture”, I just did not “get” them, end of story.

His explanation was that most Americans at our income/educational level stretch themselves to much larger mortgages and leave for saving much less than I aspire to. Likewise, people below our income and educational level stretch themselves to the mortgage that WE could handle comfortably based on our income. And it certaintly doesn’t help that we are both in somewhat non-lucrative fields, on a “high education/comparatively lower income” ratio.

He said that many of those people that I would normally be able to relate to as being “more like us” go to 300,000-400,000 mortgages whereas I do not agree with more than a 220,000 mortgage. Granted, some of them may have also started with help from parents, some inheritance, etc - which none of us has been blessed with.

It was quite disappointing as I will surely not go get a 300,000-400,000mortgage just so that I can bump into some polished professional, PHD or just some refined/intelligent person in the hope to find that “common ground” in the neighborhood. 

I guess you can see basically a snob.  BUT it appears you cannot win in the money game.  If you appear rich, people might assume you are in debt and living a lifestyle you can’t afford.  I cannot emphasize enough that this is a terrible thing because one day I hope to live large!  And I would hate everyone to assume I’m deeply in debt to afford my fabulous lifestyle (might not be as fabulous as some might imagine, but it’s fabulous to me!)

 Or worse yet, if you appear poor then you are mediocre, stupid, ignorant, and classless.  I hadn’t realized that drinking beer, watching sports, and being unsophisticated was bad.  But heck that describes DH and I to a T.  We drive cheap cars, live in a decent but not fancy home, drink beer, watch sports, go to rock concerts not symphonies, watch tv/movies, go hiking/biking rather than museums, and like to hang out and bbq.  I think we’re pretty middle class.

So it appears that either way we’re all screwed.  But the truth is that perhaps people in the US don’t reveal salaries to each other because we want to be judge based on who we are and what we value and believe in.  We want friends who share the same interests and values, not the same income, education, and class.  We are interested in moving between many different social strati and groups of friends. 

I think that when you reveal your salary, people immediately make judgements about you, how you live, and if you can afford it.  If you live poor but are rich, they’ll consider you stingy. If you are living large but poor, they will consider you dumb and in debt (although potentially you could have inherited wealth).  But do you really want people to make these immediate judgements and assessments based on your salary?

I don’t and probably why income and salaries are better left unspoken.  I chose my friends based on compatibility.  My closest friends have many different occupations and a wide range of incomes.  Like I’m sure my neighborhood does as well.  But if you read in the thread the beauty of not knowing is being unbiased.  Not judging someone based on what they make but who they are.

Besides it’s not what you make, it’s how you use it anyway.